Monday, January 28, 2013

"Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot."

Okies. Signed up for SIMCON as well. By what the side bar tells me, that's three weekends of AMPUTHEATRE happiness. You know what to do...

So The Gil-Monster saw "Robo Vampire". In a bizarre film experiment, prolific Hong Kong director Godfrey Ho made his kung fu "Robocop" rip-off movie play a game of Chicken with his, um... drug-dealers and vampires movie. When neither film budges... BLAMMO! ONE SINGULAR SENSATION! Now cyborg DEA agent Tom must stop a crime lord from smuggling cocaine in the bodies of vampires as revolutionaries in a variety of bitching hats work to rescue undercover operatives from the Chinese Water Torture before a witch queen marries the vampire beast which is a hopping gorilla that shoots bottle rockets out of its sleeves and is named after that really irritating guy in The Hunger Games who uses cake icing for subterfuge. You get all that? Of course you didn't- you're still stuck on "smuggling cocaine in the bodies of vampires".

These things are the definition of the TV Trope Our Vampires Are Different. I looked these things up, because I might put one in AMPUTHEATRE if I can make it different enough from Hsien-Ko. This movie is very faithful to the concept of jiangshi in that their bodies are so rigor mortised that they can only hop. And forward flip. And backward flip. And forward roll. And cartwheel. And drop kick. And attempt to gang bang a cybernetic police officer on the beach in an echo of From Here To Eternity. Here lies rapture as Chinese vampires hop around Not Robocop during the greatest two minutes and thirteen seconds of your life...

If I still used it, 1:31-3 would be my forever LiveJournal avatar.

4/5 wool knit caps.

-The Gil-Monster