The Gil-Monster

Buy my book!

2010-10-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

otsa crap's been going on, if you haven't gathered by my inability to update a blog. I'm currently locked at my PC uploading tons of Halloween miniatures up on Etsy, so I thought it'd be a sweet, sweet time to inform you of all the craziness.

Horror Realm was absolutely fantastic. As always I had a great time and it was awesome to see everyone again. There's rumor of a mini-Horror Realm happening in March- like, one day or so- so I think I'll be running AMPUTHEATRE at that again. I'll let you all know.

I wasn't aware if I told you all about this, though:

HELL YEAH! The AMPUTHEATRE Rulebook is finally out! Boasting the complete rules, quick-start rules to jump into the action, artwork by myself and Chris Pallace, and a cover by Kevin Serwacki! 48 pages of black-and-white mayhem for only $14.99! Or download the color version for $8.99! Click on the preview to check out the pages!

Also available in the new AMPUTHEATRE bookstore are downloads of Slasher Sheets! They'll be trickling in over the months to come, but for now, you can download all the information you'll need to play two of the World's Goriest Board Game's most popular Slashers: game con favorite Jinglebuuny, and horror con favorite Trigger Treat! Only $2.99 each!

Other work on the way will include Order and Chaos Card decks, and full-color boards. So stay tuned!

New AMPUTHEATRE figures are in the Etsy store once again. In fact, He Who Wilts, Quacksalver, and Thrush all make their debuts on the marketplace.

Buy all this crap, and we'll talk again. I've got to update my website as well now...

Still here, actually

2010-07-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

irst of all, appy-polly-loggys for not updating this blog more often. I'm trying to finish the AMPUTHEATRE Rule Book before the Horror Realm this September, and (you've heard this before) I find that blogging is something I don't want to bother with when toiling on text in Adobe InDesign. And you know what else I find a drag...? Writing strategy for the Slashers. The book is going to include the profiles and stats of (I think) sixteen characters, and I can only write "a robust assortment of powerful attacks" so many times before sleep sets in. Yug.

I went to Portland, Maine for the Fourth of July weekend. From our vantage point on the island where my mother-in-law lives, my wife and I got to watch the fireworks from four other islands. I'd like to thank my friend Heather from The Portland Quest Center for letting me present my monsters to her students. Heather gives my monsters out as rewards to the most outstanding of her charges. Here are some examples of the creatures I've sold her; if you've already seen these guys I'm sorry about that:

...I love the guy in the demon mask, particularly.

But enough about me. Congratulations to Cathy Horner of Kingsport, TN! She's the winner of the Zombies & Toys-Chenille Macabre contest and thus the lucky recipient of the Zombie Woman Figure! Way to go, Cathy! Enjoy your Zombie! Thanks to Jason of Zombies & Toys as well, and all who took part in the Undead Bazaar! It sounds like it'll happen again next year, too! Thanks also to those of you who found me through Z&T!

...Now back to me. AMPUTHEATRE was quite crowded last Friday- two full boards with folks still waiting to play!- so work has begun on a third board. Behold: the new and improved Mt. Ripper!

Still under construction, and currently being played on by some of my Mortal Kombat figures. It's so cute. They think they're not going to get in trouble for this. But I forgive them- I figured they wanted to fight on a dangerous board for once. I keed, I keed.

The new Mt. Ripper board is getting a massive overhaul. First off, it's larger that the original AMPUTHEATRE: 10 spaces by 12, meaning Gnash and Trigger Treat will enjoy themselves. Second, the Mandible Gunsaw on the top now rests on blood-drinking grates, meaning you'll have to abandon the gun if you want to reliably heal (which I see a lot of my players NOT doing, honestly.) Finally, the two gray spaces will hold the board's two signature weapons: guns. I know I want one of them to be an assault rifle.

(Some folks might not like the idea of guns in AMPUTHEATRE- I sang NEVER NEVER NEVER for the longest time- but the idea of signature weapons on certain boards is a nice compromise.)

Less obvious changes from the first Mt. Ripper include a subtraction of cheese from the Gunsaw. It can now only target Slashers within the caution tape. You'll notice a line just before the peak. Thus, you'll have to find another way to deal with Slashers who share the top with you. (You're allowed to aim the Gunsaw in any other quadrant during the Rally Action, which led to cheesy 5d8 Weapon Attacks with the damn thing.) Also, the Chaos Deck for Mt. Ripper will sport a few guns: smaller firearms, like 9mm pistols and UZIs.

Finally, there's something else we're working on in regards to AMPUTHEATRE. I'll post it up here when we're nearer completion with it.

(...)

A number of the movies I've seen since I last blogged here: How To Train Your Dragon (bliss), Survival Of The Dead (better than Diary), Firepower (starring The Ultimate Warrior in an endless series of insomnia-curing cage matches), Aswang (forgot my rule about too many laurel wreaths on the DVD box, but I'll let this one slide), The Crow: City of Angels (still sucks harder than an airline crapper), Xanadu (EVEN SUCKIER!), Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (turned it off when this "Edward" thing squealed its way onto my television; I'd never seen her before), Stripped To Kill (not bad), and Honeymoon Horror (worth it for the human voice imitating coffee grounds being scooped up).

Twice. The sound is imitated twice.

Interview with me!!

2010-06-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

op on over to read this interview with me conducted by our friends over at Zombies & Toys. Also, don't forget to enter this contest, where you can win your very own Zombie Woman Figure!

She stands 5" high and sports drool and intestines! Enter today; she's extra poseable!

There will NOT be a Hsu Hao

2010-05-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

ack from a little trip from my home state of Pennsylvania. Ah, Pennsylvania. Where "JELLY BELLY, HOMEMADE FUDGE, STUN GUNS, KNIVES," and "SWORDS" all read on the same electronic highway marquee. Only you, PA. I love ya. Anyway: saw my parents, saw Doc Sk8, saw the Steel City Derby Demons kick visiting roller derby butt (209-30!) , saw my aunt and saw my nieces. A great getaway.

I made a new section to my Etsy store. It's called Grim History Miniatures, and it's gonna feature real-life terrors from our fearful olden days. Look for plague doctors, pirates, executioners, and other such scary reminders. If it does well, I'll plumb the pages of our past for more miniatures.

On the side, I'm currently reviving my deviantART page with some Mortal Kombat figures.
Mortal Kombat 9 is coming out this Christmas and in the mad dash to find out any and all information about it, I'm throwing my artwork into the pandemonium for publicity:

First off is one of my favorite guys, Sektor:

...Here's Tanya:

And here's Kobra, whom my friend Cuss Muffin says looks like Sam Elliott as Buzz Aldrin. I don't know if I can make that, so I'll accept that as a compliment:

This shit works. My Boomer Mini from Left 4 Dead is approaching 7,000 views now.

The Undead Bazaar!

2010-05-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

ear ye, hear ye! The Undead Bazaar is happening right now, all May long, courtesy of our friends at Zombies & Toys!

Keep your eyes glued to the Bazaar as there will be interviews with crazed crafters of the occult, along with contests to win some free swag! There's even an upcoming interview with a certain pipe cleaner artist who does this blog, and crap...

Kudos to Jason at Z&T for bringing this all together! All May long! Watch!

AMPUTHEATRE Crime Scene (4-23-10)

2010-04-26T09:44:00.001-07:00

ere's some photos of the AMPUTHEATRE action that went down last Friday! This is going to be a new feature on the blog, because I am frankly embarrassed of how few pictures of AMPUTHEATRE gameplay I honestly have.

This was the Millennium Games & Hobbies premiere of the evil new Green Inferno board:
Action is already well under way, as you can see. Clockwise from left: Black Annis, Locusta, Trigger Treat, Varga, Quacksalver, Mr. Eyeball Plucker, and D'Seff. Ashezz was the first to die. Quacksalver is prone, bleeding, and missing an arm thanks to a swarm of jungle ants; he's seen better days...

Mr. Eyeball Plucker retreats to the edge of the battlefield, where Varga's evil henchmen Brank awaits!

Crucifiend, Thrush and The Thicket (who loves small boards) all enter the fray. I had never seen Thrush and Cruiser go at before, so this was exciting to me! Here the evil marsupial rat gets the jump on the pale behemoth with her destructive Death Roll throw. Biting a Slasher in the neck, Thrush tumbles around with them, bowling over all in their path.

Teleporting around in an effort to Sunder someone, Mr. Eyeball Plucker appears too close to the mighty D'Seff! The two-headed death machine grabs him in both jaws and tears him apart with this patented Tug Of War attack! Meanwhile the buzzsaw-headed robot Gutwrench looks on, hoping for the right moment to make a play for the Camping Axe.

A massive clusterfuck in the foreground! While Gutwrench, Trigger Treat and Thrush squabble, Crucifiend is bleeding, Sundered, and- courtesy of the wail of the marine banshee Hagfish -on fire! In the background, The Thicket battles with Varga- who has remained relatively healthy throughout the entire fight!

And as the smoke cleared and Millennium neared closing hours, Varga was the original character with the most health left, making her the unofficial winner! (Not that we truly care...)

Want in on the next game? Join the AMPUTHEATRE Facebook group to find out when new games are occurring!

RAHH GIL SMASH STUPID COLOR FORMATTING RAAAHHH

2010-04-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

iped out, we are, me bitch-ezzzzzzzz. Twelve straight hours of running AMPUTHEATRE at the UBCon will do that to a man. Had to nurse a little bit of burnout before I could blog again. You see, in preparation for both SIMCON and UBCon, I built upwards of thirty to forty Slasher figures to debut with the new official smaller scale, as well as a new board. Along with the Chenille Macabre work, both for Etsy and as custom. And before this sounds too much like whining, I'll point out that I love the monsters I built for Etsy this week, and one of my commissions is turning out even more awesome than I originally thought.

And another wonderful cure for burnout is fan mail. I've gotten some recently, and I really do appreciate this because it's nice to know that my stuff is actually being seen and read. LiveJournal decided that this fan letter from Sincubus would look awesome if it were in white text on a white background (lemme guess, my format settings) so I'll take this time to answer some questions for you all. (He submitted his own ideas for characters as well, which is too cool, so hit that link, highlight the text with your mouse, and check out Sincubus' stuff.)

I want to say that I’m really surprised that this INSANELY (good) game of yours is so hard to find on Google and the rest of the net that it almost made me slam my computer to the ground out of stress because I wanted to view some of the missing profiles so badly...

Interrupting: We lost our original .url for a while there. It's ours again. Look for it soon! Continue:

I would have thought that when I would type Boomslang (for example) in on Google that I would find tons of pictures and information about her... but all I get are Dutch versions of tree vipers... (boomslang means tree snake in Holland) too bad...

I would have thought to find tons of fan-sites of AMPUTHEATRE because the characters are really well thought out; they in fact are ten times as good and one hundred times more original than the characters of one of my other favorite games Mortal Kombat.

Maybe you can tell me where to find the profiles of:

Boomslang
Scounch One-Ear
Dr.Thoth
The Toll
Nest (I’ve never seen him, but he probably has something to do with rats or killer bees right?)
The Bloodbeards
The Brunswich Eel
Urameshii
Vrakk
Dr.Ghanger
Copscotch
Mark Deck
Ling Chi
Maneater
Headcount
Mamba
Pirate Blackwell
Deathwish
Y'Shakaa
Epitome
The She-goat
Greasefire
Zamov
Heartstopper
Kali
Cycad
Scarmaker
Imbarhu
Tusagti
Tsatsara (that really cool voodoo witch)
Nefelia
Malmignatte
Varga

And are there more Slashers I forgot about? (and which are not on the main-site profiles)

For the first time in life you made me feel bad I’m not a millionaire, because if I was I would buy all characters, stages and items from you instantly, because I’m a very bad collector, I want them all in one buy, I have no patience for one by one collections.

I've been feeling bad that I'm not a millionaire for a long time. Flattery gets you everywhere with me.

The main reason that AMPUTHEATRE characters seem to come and go is because the game rules are constantly being revised and updated. When major rule changes occur- for example, adding a Steal basic attack and the concept of Desperate Measure Evil Deeds- that means major Slasher rule changes occur. And out of the tons of Slashers this game has, the most popular ones are the first to be updated. So Jinglebunny, Crucifiend, Gnash, Gutwrench, etc., they get top dibs. Urameshii and Varga are already back; they received raves at UBCon and will have Slasher profiles up shortly. Y'Shakaa and Scounch One-Ear are coming back too; they happen to be two of the favorite slashers for Roc City Roller Derby Penalty Box Keeper Grief Erickson to play, and I'd rather not piss him off.

Nefelia is back, but she's been reborn as Black Annis. I've wanted to do the evil environmentalist for years- the left-wing extremist who performs actual documented methods of animal cruelty against human beings. She just took a few tries (and figures) to get right.

Here's the finished figure. And now it looks as if I've begun writing first-person perspective Slasher bios...

“My real name is Janice Sewickley, but the tabloids call me “Black Annis” after the mythical witch who wove her dress from human skin. So be it. I’ll be a witch if that’s what it takes to convince mankind that fur is wrong. But what does infuriate me is how often the press affiliates me with the Humans for Animal Rights Movement- I left that bunch of poseurs years ago! What kind of ‘Earth First’ outfit tolerates ‘controlled hunting’? Or owns a website? Blasphemy. I seek to completely free Mother Earth from the crushing advance of technology. My latest victory for Terra is the liberation of Her rarest and most powerful children. The Wardens of AMPUTHEATRE were torturing proud, innocent animals such as Sunderella and Xenichthys by forcing them into combat with known murderers. I did what was necessary: I felled the walls of Correctional Facility Alpha with carefully placed explosives, releasing man and animal alike into the wild. What matters is that the animals are no longer oppressed- the Slashers unleashed upon the country are of no importance.”

As if you didn't have enough to concern you while you were battling off Gnash and Crucifiend, Black Annis has a Save The Whales Evil Deed that lets her perform an Onslaught against anyone who tries to hurt a Monstrous Slasher. Her Shark Finning lets her rip off a limb and deposit her victim elsewhere, and her Chinchilla Grip is an AWESOME death move- she breaks her victim's neck by pulling straight up, detaching the vertebrae and turning them into a spastic kicking Trap in their last helpless moments.

Supposedly this is the best way to procure the fur from a chinchilla. Ah, AMPUTHEATRE- the research I do for you...

I'd shower, but I have to finish this post. Malmignatte is also back, but she's been redesigned as Portia. What the hell; I'll repeat the post:

Unruly and bratty, Amanda Goode was enrolled into the convent at The Church Of The Cleansing Moon at the age of six. After three years of trying to living up to the challenging Catholic ideals, she discovered The Church’s grim secret- virgin girls were bled out to rejuvenate the strength of the Mother Superior. On the run with this knowledge, Amanda was rescued by road travellers who eventually revealed themselves to be acolytes of the notorious Spider Cult. Her conflict of faith made her easy prey to the spell of the high priest Lycosus. Seeing much potential in the young girl, Lycosus educated her in the Cult’s arcane sorceries. Amanda was ultimately transformed into the grotesque Portia (named after a genus of jumping spider). The sheer distance of her leaps and the strength of her venom (the most toxic in all the Cult) hastened her prominence within the Cult, as well as to Lycosus’ side as his betrothed. Though much too young to legally compete in the AMPUTHEATRE, Portia nonetheless breaks into the arena to liberate her high priest and lover.

I know what you've been wanting: "Gil, we don't have enough reasons to despise Lycosus!" Portia has the longest range Charges in AMPUTHEATRE, and her Safety Line Desperate Measure lets her land outside her victim's Counter-Range if the Charge goes wrong. Her coolest attack is the Headdesk; she leaps up, pulls her opponent's head into the earth, and slides away in one fluid motion.

Most of the other characters will return over the weeks and months to come (Zamov and Ling Chi were cool!) but for now I will discuss characters that you shouldn't expect to return any time soon:

Dr.Ghanger was our version of Shang Tsung. He was the world's fastest plastic surgeon, and he could reshape his own appearance to resemble (and perform the attacks of) any Slasher that wasn't on the board. The sheer complexity of this character did not make him popular to play, so he's on the bench for a while.

Mamba was a fierce lady biker with her own motorcycle, and she performed attacks while riding. This became a pain-in-the-ass. In her numerous playtests she kept falling off the bike, and other Slashers would try to ride it which complicated everything immensely. So I wrote some bullshit about how only she could start the bike due to electromagnetic boot plates, leading to a Slasher sheet printed in size 4 font to explain how everything logically worked and oh fuck it! Plus I didn't make the Maisto motorcycle she was always photographed with, and while it's no secret that I borrow accessories here and there for my game, the bike is too big a chunk of work to pass off as inoffensive sampling.

Mamba is out of AMPUTHEATRE, but she lives on in both Riptease and Imbarhu. Riptease is the roller skating psycho, and Imbarhu rides a demonic steed- which disappears if he's dismounted.

Kali isn't coming back; plain and simple. It sucks, because she was very popular as a Slasher- very strong, four arms, a Thuggee henchman who leaned into the arena to throttle people. Two reasons she gone: first, originality. Kali simply isn't my concept. Second: religious imagery. The Indian Black Earth Mother is still held sacred by many Hindus- to wit, Matchbox got in trouble when they included Kali in their Monster In My Pocket toys. They changed her name to Four-Armed Woman. Oh, the horror...

But Gil, you have Crossface in the game; why not Kali? That's right. Crossface. Not Jesus. AMPUTHEATRE Character Design rule #363: make practitioners of religions, not the gods themselves. One day I'll make a Thuggee warrior for the game, once I get past how relatively uninteresting they were. Seriously. They didn't have mystics or magic or anything- all they did was strangle people. Hell, my mom can strangle people. There's no AMPUTHEATRE figure of her.

If you miss Kali, she lives on in both Kaiaphas (who has four arms, and has the added bonus of not looking a thing like a Mortal Kombat Shokan warrior) and Varga, who has adopted the Thuggee Throttle and transformed it into her own Scold Bridle. It's the exact same move, only instead of a turbanned throttler, Varga has Brank: an obese prison disciplinarian with a ball gag:

Hope that works for you; it does me. I wanted a hefty female orderly in the game somewhere, but very few people wanted to play such a character. And if you still miss Kali, well she's currently available for sale at the Etsy store. As the Queen of Destruction. With swords!

Epitome. And speaking of characters that no one wanted to play... pull up a seat kids, because I only want to discuss this once. I don't like to talk about what I will and won't do in this game, but eff it. This is why we playtest.

Epitome was a white supremacist boxer. I got the idea from when Cassius Clay announced his affiliation with the Nation of Islam and became Muhammad Ali. So I thought, What if that happened with a white guy? He'd be an AWESOME villain! Sure the subject matter is abhorrent, but Marvel Comics has TONS of evil Nazis like Baron Blood and the Red Skull, and you can buy German WWII model kits and soldiers at your nearby hobby shop. So why can't I do this...?

I was proud of the story. I still am. Epitome wanted to fight the Slashers and score one for the "Master (bating) Race", but he was afraid to absorb their impure blood. So he sunk his championship fortune into a black market blood serum called Plasmogen which destroyed any Amputech entering his body. The trouble was that Plasmogen lacked the platelets of his regular blood- forcing him to wear a respirator, and it was a deep purple in color, turning his skin a faint lavender. So there was the excellent E.C. comics-inspired twist- his own idiotic hate turned him into what he hated the most- a handicapped person of another color. And a feminine color at that. I thought This is good, this is poetic justice, this is a great concept.

The trouble is that once you place Epitome on the game board, the irony doesn't follow him. NONE of my playtesters wanted to play a racist. Even one as goofy-looking as Epitome. Even one with a Resist score of 1d10 (so it was quite clear that was a moron). Even after I had him renamed the pejorative "Lilac" (his real name was Lyle, and Jinglebunny was teasing him). My wife hated him, my friends hated him... I'm not exactly sure of the rationale that lets people accept fictional mass murderers but NOT fictional racists, but there you are.

Well that's not entirely true. The Red Skull has his loathsomeness tempered by the fact that Captain America keeps kicking his ass. Similarly, wargamers recreating D-Day in plastic and dice rolling take pride in knowing we stomped Hitler's ass. What clinched everything was the one time when I was demoing AMPUTHEATRE for some black students, and when I went to get a new Slasher, there was the Epitome figure staring back at me. Um, no. HELL no. "Trust me, this is all awash in comic irony," I imagined myself saying through a bloodied mouth jammed with a lavender pipe cleaner figure.

I still liked Epitome's character design, but changes to the story (he's friends with Y'Shakaa!) deadened its initial impact. So Epitome sits on my shelf, where he'll stay.

But I do have a new boxer character lined up, sporting Epitome's non-racist-asshole attacks, and he'll debut soon. So please play him when you see him.

...And yet people still play the homophobic shitheel Crossface! WTF!?

Thanks so much for writing, Sincubus. I hope this answered some of your questions! Don't forget: AMPUTHEATRE is on Facebook where I announce meets and new happenings as well!

Copscotch and Mark Deck? Dude. I don't even remember uploading them. Maybe I do have way too many characters...

Dear Penthouse of Carpathia...

2010-04-09T10:00:00.001-07:00

eads up. The Chenille Macabre Etsy store will be closed tonight after midnight, in order to sell some monsters over at ye olde UBCon. Selling monsters at shows and finding out that someone bought the exact same monster online... well ahem, that's never ever happened to me before, ever. I'll relieve the store of its Vacation Mode come Monday, April 12th, but if there's a creature on sale that you've had your eye on for a while, you might not want to wait 'til after this weekend...

More Heads Up: The UBCon AMPUTHEATRE Splatter Royal has been slightly rescheduled: it now runs from 12pm-10pm on Saturday and 12pm-3pm Sunday. The Dealer's Room is officially open during those hours, and that's where I always play. Sleep in a little bit, folks- I know I will.

...So I got both of my Spring 2010 hard copies of Dark Gothic Resurrected in the mail (one is for the 'rents) and I'm very pleased with the book. It doesn't hurt that I'M in it of course, but I like the quality of this magazine and I'm delighted with how the photos I sent of my work translated to black-and-white. It's also got in it some vampire erotica, so I'll definitely be setting DGR on the coffee table for my next party- when my friends see my name on the cover, they'll leaf right past my interview towards "The Pink of Twilight" and drunkenly read it aloud.

See you guys tomorrow at UBCon.

Typo every two words, Gil-Monster: GO TO BED

2010-04-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

osing consciousness... time for some quick bloggery afore teh bedtimez.

I'm working on finishing up the Green Inferno before UBCon, which is of course, this coming weekend. I've decided that the boards should all have their own Weapons, Spells, Traps, and Evil Wardens- the latter is what I'm stuck on currently.

I finished the Weapons though. Want to know what they are?

Common Weapons: Chain Saw, Andiron, Cleaver, 2 x 4, Sledge Hammer, Crowbar.

New Weapons: Camping Axe, Fire Poker, Hedge Trimmer, Cultivator, Pest Sprayer, Blow Gun, Big Stick, Tent Peg, Pole Saw, Catch Snare, Power Drill, Garden Shears, Club Hammer, Scissors, Wrench, Barbeque Fork, Machete, Wasp Nest.

Revealed Weapon: Gas Can.

The Wasp Nest is on a branch, letting you smack Slashers with it. The Gas Can sits in the middle of the arena at the game's start (this is a board surrounded by fire...)

And when I say Cultivator, I mean the poles with five or six spinning spurs at the end. Ohhhhh yeah. You want to hit someone with that, too.

See me at UBCOn- it'll happen that way...

Media Blitzing

2010-03-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

or whatever weird reason, Blogger was being very mean to photographs two days ago. So that's why there was no Monday update. Which sucked, because I wanted to discuss SIMCON 2010 and the most excellent and awesome time I had at it.

The good news and the bad news are the same: we weren't running enough tables of AMPUTHEATRE. I hadn't gotten the Green Inferno board finished, but I did have 48 playable Slashers by last weekend, so cut me a little slack, yo. I broke out my larger set on Sunday and both tables were packed. Holy crapsticks.

If you didn't get to play: my apologies. In my chats with the SIMCON Reg Desk Monkeys, we're going to have much more tables next year. And be sure to join the Facebook Page because I announce new games of AMPUTHEATRE there. You can also check out photos of the game in action, courtesy of Christopher Price. I will of course be at the UBCon in two weeks, so you can play there as well. We're going to have much more tables next year at SIMCON- believe it. I'm thinking about a tournament for next year.

Highlights on my table included the discovery of a lost spell from the Arcanuum Ex Mysteriius that was apparently written in Grizzly Bear (Sunderella used a Corrode spell on the Meat Cleaver that I was wielding.) Another player chose to twice play Taenia of their own accord- and they played her quite well, I'm happy to say.

...Nah, you know what? It's getting late. I'm ending the post here. Want to hear a little bit more from me this week? Well, I'm gonna make you work for it. Two ways:

1) Pick up the April 2010 issue of Dark Gothic Resurrected, where, amongst slices of poetry from denizens of the nocturne, lurks an interview with me. And if you're poor...

2) Tune in to the Metallic Onslaught Radio Show this Friday night at around 9 pm on WEOS to hear me blab about AMPUTHEATRE, my work with both pipe cleaners and the roller derby, and also foist some of my own music onto Joe and Randy and the rest.

Okay. SO bedtime.

All dinosaurs, all the time

2010-03-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

ews alert: apparently you can now have your flat-screen television custom framed. Here's how it works: measure both the outside specs of your TV (provided it's only got four sides) and the distance from its front to the wall. Once you're sure about those measurements, give them to us, and we'll make the frame. When you pick it up, it'll come with straps that you anchor to the back of your set- and at long last Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O will have that water-gilded Biltmore accent their coprophagic antics so richly deserve.

...Look it up. No, don't.

So I was asked to make a display for the new promotion. Something that would catch customers' eyes. Looking around our store, I decided a dinosaur was unlike anything else we had in the store. It's also something that can only be seen in a medium- not many of the fat fuckers left nowadays. And besides, I love dinosaurs.

So here's a Tyrannosaurus Rex I penciled and scanned, inked and colored in Photoshop, and slapped in front of a photo from these guys. The TV set was created in Adobe InDesign. And before you write in to tell me that flat-screen TVs don't have side speakers, it's important that it look like a TV, and also that a boring gray border need hold its own visually with a multicolored fanged reptile. Time of artwork: 13 hours. It's refreshing to know that I can still honestly draw when I have to.

I printed the piece in two parts. The T. Rex and screen text were printed on paper, while the TV monitor was printed onto sintra. When assembling the frame, the glass went between the monitor and the T. Rex, so it resembled an actual TV. Neat, huh? My boss loved it.

New monsters in the store today. I'm especially proud of the Lizardman and the Skeletal Warrior there. The former represents bold, new steps in Lizardman technology, since they used to be just one color before.

I haven't given up on AMPUTHEATRE. (Indeed, SIMCON is this weekend, and I'll be there running my crazy-as-usual battle royal.) But there haven't been new AMPUTHEATRE figures in the store for a bit, and I still need to make that rulebook available. I will have stuff ready. Really. I think I'll be breaking down and printing up my own copy, and guesstimate how much that will run so it can be downloadable in PDF format.

And also: I am behind on custom work, for which I apologize. There are at least two more shows I want to get into this year, so I'll be stocking up for those as much as I can. Hang tight: you will get your monsters.

...Have you seen Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen? Don't. No: I won't just say that. Some of you don't have me friended on Facebook, so I'll just paraphrase myself. It's stupider than a headless cockroach. It's more offensive than marionettes built from the stillborn. It's more awful than your rectum as a thumbtack dispenser. It's indispensable proof that Michael Bay hates you and everyone else on the planet, and if he were naked in a crowded room and didn't have millions and millions of dollars on hand to spend digitally rendering obnoxious racial stereotypes with which to painfully and permanently retard your inquisitive knowledgeable brains, he'd chew off his own leg, strip off its skin, gnaw the femur into a sharp point, and limp about stabbing everyone in the room. THAT'S HOW MUCH HE HATES YOU.

And amidst his blood-soaked hopping murder spree, he'd film his naked scrotum flapping about. And he'd make Peter Cullen deliver a monologue over it so that he could call it Transformers 3.

See you at SIMCON!

Oh, do you like the flesh-eating tarsier?

2010-03-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

light of The Conchords were very difficult to sing last week on Rock Band 2. (I know; isn't that awesome that they're on RB?) But I'm finally recovering from my laryngitis. Pfft. Laryngitis: the Crap Disease. Nobody "gets" laryngitis; they adopt it when they either A. want to skip a day of work (because everyone knows that if you have trouble conversing with customers, you clearly can't perform physical labor) or B. are Gomer Pyle, and feel bad because their schizoid baritone voice got Barney Fife's ass catapulted far, FAR from singing at the Mayberry Talent Show.

So I spent a week talking like Kathleen Turner with her throat cut like Rory Calhoun's victims in Motel Hell on those rare occasions that my mouth wasn't crammed with Werther's butter candies. In between cough drops. Because I once did kind of take too many cough drops once. It was very funny. I likely should not have been driving.

I've just signed up both Chenille Macabre and AMPUTHEATRE for both Horror Realm and UBCon. At least, I think I'm signed up for UBCon- I'm not on the schedule yet. The 10th and the 11th are the dates I've committed to running AMPUTHEATRE on, though. What is delightfully cool is that I am on UBCon's information page. ...No, I'm the Sephiroth on the left.

We had a game of AMPUTHEATRE on Friday; the first game with the new figures. So now if you've bought an AMPUTHEATRE figure from my store, you can bring it to games because they are compatible. Isn't that cool and nice? Hee hee! And, I should point out: don't be afraid to request specific figures. I stock the store with the common Slashers as often as I can, but if you're waiting until I put Ixnay or Bathsheba or Willy Mammoth in the store before you buy them... don't! Drop me a line, please!

I've also revamped the Weapons system in the game. From now on, Slashers cannot normally Reverse attacks while carrying a Weapon, though they can still Block them. This rule amendment is to keep unarmed combat sexy. Signature Weapons (Evil Tweezers, Mazzatellos) in the hands of their owners (respectively, Mr. Eyeball Plucker, The Jack of Clubs) are exempt. This ruling has also let me add a few new exciting tweaks:

Finite Weapons. Some weapons now run out of juice (gas, electricity, ammo, etc.) if you roll no hits when attacking with them. This includes the old stand bys like the Chain Saw, the Pneumatic Nailer, and the Hairspray with Lighter. And it let me add a new, long desired element to AMPUTHEATRE's gameplay: liquid weapons. Clog Remover (oh, the delicious Clog Remover) is now in my current deck and has a sick Poison attack. The Gasoline Can, Oven Cleaner and Bleach will not be far behind.

Actual Weapons. I had an unbreakable credo in AMPUTHEATRE that, well... let's let the page explain it:

Weapons in AMPUTHEATRE are usually tools that have a primary purpose other than killing- chainsaws, icepicks, baseball bats, and the like.

But now, if for example I want to put a katana in the middle of an arena, I can- and Reversals are allowed with it, as it was specifically built for war. The Machete and the Nightstick already have this characteristic.

Speaking of weapons in the middle of arenas...

Here it is: the Green Inferno board (working title) as I promised. Fashioned from a clearing in the Zunirian jungle, General Ghebembwe has surrounded it with grates and a controlled fire. Anyone leaving the arena for any reason is Immolated. Sharing the arena with the unlucky Slashers is a Siafu Anthill and a Razorvine Tree. The driver ants swarm whoever disturbs their bivouac, and the Razorvine tangles up Slashers- Sundering them if they can't break free.

This board is a 9 x 9 grid. One aspect from Mortal Kombat: Deception that I like and have wanted to employ for a while now is the concept of a Stage Weapon in the center of the board, like Raiden's hammer on the Sky Tower. (AMPUTHEATRE's past even-numbered grids made that tricky.) I like the idea of starting a game with a mad rush for a Weapon. So the center space of the Green Inferno is differentiating steel, and there's a Pole Saw there now! Once this board has its own deck, it will be ready for play. The Inferno needs its own natural Traps and Weapons, so that will be something else I'll be working on. Hopefully in time for the cons.

...Oh, and before I go: a special shout-out to ImagineMDD, who featured my work along with numerous other pipe cleaner artists in her blog. I'm very flattered and honored to be featured with many talented artists.

I'm also laughing on the inside over who she chose as Chenille Macabre's ambassador.

Is Trigger Treat holding a beer...?

2010-03-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

et's give somebody else the spotlight today, shall we...? Yes I made some monsters this week; something something inspired by who cares?

Faithful Etsy customer Felicia has been buying my figures and miniatures for a while now. Well just recently, she sent me some photos of monsters that she made from chenille stems. Check these out:

Aren't these cool? Awesome use of both pipe cleaners and existing materials. They're tall too- I'm guessing 11" high. I get a kick out of the troll soldier and the evil Smurf!

And if I had any misery or self-hatred for myself this past weekend, it was exorcised by the arrival of more photos from Felicia, this time featuring my work. How many of my figures has she bought...? Enough to seat her own homemade arena with stadium seating and sponsorship from Living Dead Dolls:

In the interest of full disclosure, the above picture is so not my current desktop wallpaper.

The victorious Lizardman cracks me the hell up! And behold: evil concession stands!

And I am SO NOT stifling crying right now. Nope, not crying, nope.

Thank you so much, Felicia! I see there's still a few seats in your arena to be filled- I'll get back to work!

Massively Mean Out-Raged Pissy Gil

2010-02-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

een somewhat busy these last couple of days. The Job That Feeds has needed me for more than my regular hours, and the wife and I have undergone a bombardment of roller-derby-related chicanery in preparation for the new season.

Ah, derby. We love you, we really do. But those of you outside the phenomenon may be unaware of its participants' need to talk about derby and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it AND TALK ABOUT IT and I just need to keep reminding myself that you are roller derby, and not a mass multiplayer online role-playing game. Which was our previous activity that burrowed its head in our lives to suck away precious hours and expand... and expand...

I got The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion for Xmas from my dad, because it's his favorite game and he wanted me to enjoy it too. Heck, gives us something to talk about, too. When I can put away a few hours a night to put some time into it, I really do enjoy it. But my wife wants to know why I play Oblivion after leaving Final Fantasy XI Online back in April (and officially in December) in a cloud of torn-out hair and ferocious expletives that would make Satan beg The Pope for forgiveness. Likely I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight for posting what I'm about to, which sucks because the couches haven't arrived in the house yet. Deep breath... flame shields up... buy my figures, please.

I got us FFXI Online as an engagement present. For my PC and for my PS2, so we could play together. After all, I had burned a like number of hours of non-online games, so what would be the problem? And for the first year or so, I had a ball with Final Fantasy Online. She was a warrior, and I was her back-up mage. We made a lot of decent friends in the game as well- some of whom we met in person- and had a great time some evenings. The world was gorgeous to run through. And no horseshit, Wang- the Japanese make some of the coolest-ever monsters. The Yagudo, the Quadav, and the Evil Weapons are all well-designed and exotic beasts, and a welcome change of pace from the wolves and bats (bad example, FFXI has bats too) we Westerners have been encountering over and over again in our RPG's for the last decade or so. I enjoyed my time as both Dark Knight and Bard, and got to Levels 70 and 45 in them respectively. Shadowspawn, Siiri, Tolilli, Vrrlyrr, Lakina, Valkeira, Ravenna, Tyvin, Kasandaro, Clanmira, Wendie, Dyunami, Thecheat, Zzane, Neobubu, Piedimus... and I know I'm forgetting some folks, and I'm sorry about that. But I'm happy to have met and to know all of you.

NOW THEN: factor in a sub-job system that sounds great on paper and blows chow in the game world (TRY getting into a party as a Warrior/White mage). Real-money traders. Spending a real-life hour walking from your character's house to the Auction and back. "Easy prey" monsters that cost you 95% of your hp, your mana, and your once-every-two-hours-get-me-out-of-here! power. No way to find out who you're supposed to kill or where you're supposed to go without a hint book or a website. Only one dedicated healing job- party formation is a bitch. An over-reliance on buying expensive potions in order to sneak and hide your way to EXP camps- excuse me, this is a dungeon crawl. I myself want to hack and kill everything in sight. So sue me for growing up with Gauntlet.

The inability to do anything by yourself after Level 20 (playing a job you like, beastmasters). Spending 50 levels learning to fight as part of a unit only to square off against a final boss you ironically must fight alone. Fighting crabs for damn near that whole time, because they're the easiest species for a group to fight. Links. Trains. Linking trains. Postponing real-life engagements or sleep because either you can't conveniently log off, or someone in your party needs "just 3000 more exp". Unforgiving drop rates- and not just the notorious monsters. The weenie rabble you see everywhere are no less stingy. I once spent two hours in a party trying to get "anima" or some dumb shit off mobs in Promathia to no avail, and my wife got angry with me when I got up and started cleaning the house. Which reminds me: a notable increase in arguments with my wife. Are games supposed to do that...?

Deleveling. Losing experience points when you die and having to get them back. More than once, I'd nod off from the repetition of one-click combat, and a Burnt Steak Tough Ogre Warlord would tiptoe up to my character, crush him in two hits, and steal away that 400 xp I'd spent three long hours pounding out of bats and goblins. Some of the worst dungeon designs ever- seriously, Square Enix: drop-offs...? And not tall ones, either: small ones which only come up to your character's waist that you can't see until you've fallen down them. And the only way to get around them is to return to the start of the dungeon. My Dark Knight had a Strength of 90, but he couldn't hoist himself up a ledge the height of a dry bar. He just helplessly runs at it because he can't jump and there's no spell in the game that lets you do that. Oh wait, my bad: there's a Tractor spell. No wait- you have to be dead first. "Oh, you walked off the curb of the aqueduct, and you can't walk back up?" I wish I was goddamned kidding. "Well, shit. The five of us can't pull you up. Your best course of action is to go find a giant death moth and let it kill you. It's only right that you lose experience points for such naivete and recklessness."

And of course, other players in the game who- unaware of what good games are- think that these are all exemplary examples of state-of-the-art gameplay. And they aren't afraid to tell you so. I realize you guys ejaculate over the idea of experience point penalties (I think I just came myself) and that you believe doing whatever one wants to do in a ROLE. PLAYING. game is to be stringently enforced, but gosh Davey: having to repeat what you just spent three hours doing through no fault of your own is SHIT.

...Sit down. This is not your cue to recommend to me World of Warcraft, or City Of Heroes, or any number of over-populated time-sucking internet circles of Hell. I am done with MMORPGs. Between both AMPUTHEATRE, Chenille Macabre, and something called a "life", I do not want to play another game I am powerless to turn off when I need to. The only thing I want to hear about MMORPG's is if you have a character from them that you would like me to build for you. THAT, I will happily do.

In the meantime, I will play Oblivion and make FFXI players jealous as I swing at a goblin, and step back before his sword connects with me. Wow, such shitty gameplay.

Come back, roller derby- all is forgiven.

Etsy Dark Teammate Emme Toaye suggested that the Death Addict Mini I built a few weeks ago needed a girlfriend. So here she is:

The Chaos Grrl Mini with Straight Razor is now available in the store! She wasn't easy to build. so I gave her the "Deluxe" moniker. Ladies are trickier than guys, of course. Buy her today!

Gonna go sign up for a few more shows. Thanks for listening to me vent. Can I borrow your couch?

SIMCON 2010

2010-02-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

ell, that's all set. I've just signed up for five time slots at SIMCON 2010 at the University of Rochester, which is going down on March 26-28. My time slots are Saturday 9:30am to 4:30pm, and Sunday 12:00pm to go the hell home you pipe cleaner-weaving idiot and take these blood-starved buffoons with you. So come on down. (I'm also holding a game this Friday (Feb. 12th) at Millennium Games, starting at around 7pm or so.)

By the time SIMCON rolls around, I hope to have a decent set of figures, cards, boards and pieces for it. I'm making everything slightly smaller to accommodate the wonderful, generous souls who have purchased my AMPUTHEATRE figures from the Etsy site. And you as well- all you gotta do is shop there. Bring your figures on down, and join in the fracas!

I'm putting the finishing touches on an all-new AMPUTHEATRE board. It's called The Green Inferno (a Cannibal Holocaust reference, but you knew that) and it's an arena of General Ghebembwe's design. The evil vampire dictator forces his captives into a large jungle plain, replete with poisonous frogs, spitting vipers, and siafu- lots AND LOTS of siafu. Then the General surrounds the field in fire. Pictures forthcoming, once I build one more Device Trap for it.

Okay, gonna make more crap now (twenty-four Slashers and counting!) See you at SIMCON!

Okay, ONE girl has a full set of armor. FINE.

2010-01-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

irst things first: Thank you all so much for your kind words in regards to Thunder last week. It meant a lot to Dee and myself, and we truly appreciate it.

I hope you all like the new AMPUTHEATRE website. I'm actually making myself smaller scale figures and boards, so I can host games for the kind and wonderful folks who have bought my figures on Etsy and want nothing more than to have them kill people. This has been a fun project: I love my new Hagfish and Zwanziger (oops, he has no page yet; best get to work on that, Gil) and I also got to recycle the first-ever Olympus figure that I built, whose musculature and frame were certainly not to the size that my larger scale figures needed.

Two new figures in the store this week that I want to talk about...

This is a Gallows Wraith. It's the undead spirit of a hanged innocent. Demons en route to the triple tree at midnight (expecting to take a murderer to Hell) will steal the pure soul for themselves and remain on Earth. The catch is that they leave their wings behind. The Gallows Wraith takes both the wings and the rope, and exacts vengeance on all life for cheating it of his.

I design these types of monsters as little generic beasts to spice up your role-playing campaigns. Let's see... give him 9 hit dice, Armor Class 3, and either two attacks via claw, or a strangling attack. Warp those stats to the game of your choice.

I was inspired by a Bal-Sagoth song which included in its lyrics a winged Arch-Wraith, but I toyed with this type of monster for years. In my first design it didn't have wings; rather it floated by means of holding its own noose, still fastened about its neck. Nightmarish. Then the somewhat embarrassing demises of many a cool celebrity from auto-erotic asphyxiation over the years would have lent the beast to some annoying jokes. "Look out! It's a zombie David Carradine!" "...No, it's Michael Hutchence; he's singing 'Never Tear Us Apart'! Quick, let's obliterate/This twist of fate/Asphyxiate/It's not too late!"

Meanwhile in the AMPUTHEATRE store, Mandibula returns, but this figure's got a twist...

That's right: Topless Mandibula! Need I remind you that she's a succubus, and this is not out-of-character for her to wear.)

I suppose I should have marked this figure of deviantART and Etsy as "Mature". I really don't see why. For one thing, "Chenille Macabre" and "AMPUTHEATRE" are what they are- you know you're getting into mischief with names like those. Second, my art often contains skinless beasts, ripped-open corpses, and blood-stained weapons of death. But somehow those aren't as shocking as two blue mounds each topped with a pink dot...? I don't think so.

...That's right, SoulCalibur- you may have made millions of dollars making the same game over and over again, and your characters are known the world over. But I know damn well that it claws at your anime-rated-T-for-Teen-BDSM-guts that AMPUTHEATRE can show titty and you can't.

No matter how. Hard. You. TRY.

Fuck YOU, paper towels

2010-01-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

ell it's about bloody-monkeyfucking-time. The AMPUTHEATRE website has received an all-new Slashers page, which is far more intuitive, readable, and navigatable than the old photo album I was borrowing from LiveJournal- which I no longer use, and consequently no longer wish to pay for. And as a result, my most meaningful LiveJournal pics are now no longer available for use.

I don't even remember why I needed an avatar of Riley Freeman.

I'm digressing. Nearly fifty Slashers are now available for your perusal, and I will add more and more as they become created/updated. The sweet news is that if you see a Slasher you'd like, there's a link for you on that page to commission me and see that figure built. If it doesn't seem complete, or there are an inexplicable amount of white capital "N"s everywhere, that's my "skull" rating system which is being universalized for any and all web browsers by the awesome and invincible Jen of Pencognito fame.

The FAQ and Links pages have been revised. The Traps page is all-new, and there's also an all-new Weapons page. Instead of just photographing pilfered accessories with strategically-placed red paint, I tried to use only Weapons and Traps I built myself. (My more awesome ones, such as the Outboard Motor and Pole Saw, were in the hands of Slashers at the time of shooting, and probably complicated the page more than necessary...)

Oh and if I haven't mentioned this, both AMPUTHEATRE and Chenille Macabre are on Facebook. Join these groups if you like; just don't ask me to join your applications, and DEFINITELY do NOT ask me to join your Petition To Remove GRRRR PLOTZ AAAARRGH From Facebook. Because I fucking hate censorship. That's why.

I'm playing some AMPUTHEATRE tomorrow at Millennium Games. 7 pm. Friday, Jan. 22nd. That will be fun.

(....)

Never once did I ever think of myself as a cat person before I met who would become my wife. Four months into our relationship she decided to find an apartment in Rochester, and she wanted two cats to share it with. One of these was our female orange tabby Thunder.

Thunder never liked me. Granted, I was the shit come feeding time, and I could pet her anywhere I wished provided it was only her head, and provided I didn't mind that she would shake off my touch like it were a pedophiliac tapeworm. Even as two hundred plus pounds of tired pipe cleaner artist slowly lowered itself onto the side of the bed that she deemed hers, she still begrudgingly held her ground as if she had paid in advance on a time slot- eager to squeeze out every possible second she could.

But she loved my wife Dee Fenestrate. Absolutely, unerringly loved her. This love would be forced- sometimes during Final Fantasy XI Online when Dee's Mithra warrior was hair-bun-deep in armed Yagudo Templars- but it was always genuine. As Dee laid down on the couch to watch me play video games, Thunder- ignorant to relaxed protest- would leap onto the couch, comfortably recline on her adoptive mommy and snooze away, her face pressed awkwardly into the backrest. Chasing after string, ultra-long pipe cleaners, and trotting into the room at the first stirrings of her mommy rousing from a nap... Thunder was a fourteen-year-old kitten. A kitten with more nicknames than Satan: "Big Orange", "Mommy's Little Hellbeast", "Cuddles Cuteface"... I simply couldn't take to that one.

Two days ago, Thunder was very lethargic and not eating. We scheduled her for the vet on the following morning. We ran her to the emergency room when she twice snuck off to parts of our basement she had never been to before. What they say about diabetes and heart disease being silent killers is true. After receiving the diagnosis, and failing to receive any assurance that the thousands (thousands) of dollars spent could grant anything more than a fleeting reprieve, we saw Thunder off yesterday morning- painlessly, peacefully, and -instead of a cold cellar corner- her mother's lap. Maybe not so peacefully, as I was around. And my voice always made her tail lash about, like that of an enraged Ankylosaurus. Which was another nickname for her.

Wherever she is now, I'm positive there is plenty of shrimp to eat. And plastic that doesn't gum up your digestive tract when swallowed. And ribbon far from the presence of my sister. Thunder disliked me, but she loathed my sister Danielle. (Danielle once held Thunder for near the duration of an entire Halloween party, which is how Thunder learned that she had powers of hissing and spitting.) Once we had Danielle over at our apartment for her birthday, so she was opening gifts. The sound of torn wrapping paper was a dinner bell for the ribbonvore Thunder, so with an enthusiastic meow! she leapt onto the back of the couch- and realized that she was sitting right behind Danielle. The negative energy from that cat was such that I swore the lights dimmed. And why she didn't just get up and off the couch after leaping there, I have no clue. Maybe all her leg power was instinctively routed towards her internal hate-engines.

...I'm getting a lump in my throat now; can I stop writing and give you a picture instead...? This is from November, 2005- not long after Dee and I were married, and- fuck it; I'm just cut-pasting text from LJ:

It was very, very worth forgetting to return a roll of paper towels back to the counter from the floor (to clean up a spill from last night) and have Thunder destroy the whole roll while Daddy wasn't looking... and then hearing her add insult to injury by hissing and growling at the tattered mess.

"Fuck YOU, paper towels."

"...Think you're all the shit because you're super-absorbent; yeah, you SUPER-ABSORBED, all right! A BEATDOWN from DJ Cuddles CUTEFACE; THAT'S what you absorbed, bitch!"

We're gonna miss you, Big Orange.

So quit with the cocaine jokes already

2010-01-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

ew Years Resolution #1; update this thing more often!

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Most everyone you listen to said that 2009 sucked, but the new house I live in keeps me kind of quiet in that regard. As for the decade... well, House + Marriage + patented game + pipe cleaners as job + fulfilled a life goal of appearing in a B-movie (Poultygeist) = satisfied Gil-Monster.

I did some custom work over the holiday. This is my most depraved and macabre work yet... hold onto your socks...

That's right: The Barenaked Ladies! I was commissioned to make the entire band as a Christmas gift, as they were before Steven Page departed.

Seeing as how this is my first ever drum kit, I think I did an okay job. No, Tyler can't hit the snare. Yes, his chest is pressed into the bass drum. But the cymbals look good- thank you, Maria from Dan's Crafts and Things, for suggesting the bases of cheap wedding favor champagne glasses would make excellent facsimiles!

Inspired by Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison, the Ladies decided to hold a benefit concert at Correctional Facility Alpha for the AMPUTHEATRE Slashers. It goes pretty poorly from the opening number: Lord Morax sneaks on stage and plays "Progenies Of The Great Apocalypse" during "One Week", causing a riot even before Ed Robertson can rap about being Aquaman.

Which led to the real reason Steven Page left the band...

Speaking of AMPUTHEATRE, if you check out its site, you'll see a big four-oh-four on the Slashers and Traps pages. There's a good reason for this: I quit paying for LiveJournal. I don't use it anymore (even less than this blog) so my photo albums are gone from it. I have new pages on the way, and they're easier to navigate and even better than before. Hang tight. It'll be worth it.

We had a game of AMPUTHEATRE this Friday and I debuted an all-new Slasher. Behold: the broadcast terrorist Quacksalver:

The signal was first hijacked during the fourth season premiere of the “Jinglebunny” television show: a man dressed in a plague mask and surgical scrubs aired instead. Introducing himself as “Quacksalver”, he informed his viewers that the Slashers were once innocent people before the government turned them into agents of death. The Amputech, he posed, was actually a man-made viral agent transmitted via basic human contact and inflicting permanent homicidal insanity. Only bleeding by leeches could cure the affliction as they were “drawn to the oxidized salts in Amputech molecules”. This pirate broadcast aired over forty more times on television before Quacksalver was identified as radio personality Benjamin Pauling and captured. It is still unknown if Quacksalver actually subscribes to his grossly incorrect theories, but the debate as to whether or not he is responsible for hundreds of deaths- whether the suicides of people who believed themselves infected, or the murders from dozens of city riots caused by the hysteria- is to be resolved in the AMPUTHEATRE.

Quacksalver doesn't look it, but he's a bruiser. Most of his Evil Deeds are at most troublesome hexes, so his basic attacks make up the damage quotient. He moves fast, too. Of note are his Leech Swarm, in which he throws a handful of leeches as an AOE Stab attack, and his Jam Transmission, in which he can actually cancel the decrees from the Evil Wardens. It's nice to know that someone in the arena can shut off the one-man-death-machine-power-up we know and love as the Norse Monkey Fury.

If you haven't, join the Chenille Macabre Facebook page. And then tell all your friends about how awesome custom pipe cleaner monsters are. That would be good.

...I knew I had other stuff to talk about, but I think I'll save that for next time. I leave now to play with the jigsaw I got for Xmas. Play me out, BNL!

If I had a million dollars
I would buy you a house
AND I'D DISEMBOWEL THE NAZARENE

The Lawn is my Master

2009-11-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

embleer Frith; I suck at updating this. I'm really trying that once-a-week updating deal but I'm pretty bad at it. Know that once you get yourself a house, lawnwork becomes your new hobby. Whether you want it to or not, it forces its way into your itinerary with a loud barrel voice and nematocyst-tinged elbows:
"WHO are YOU pussies?"
"Um, we're Gil's hobbies: Video Games, Horror Movies, and Bad Movies..."
"ONE SIDE!!! MWA HA HA HA!!! I'm LAWN CARE and I'M in charge now!!"
"HEY! You can't just barge in here like you own the place!"
"Says WHO!?"
"Says ME: Pipe Cleaner Sculpture! And Gil wants to build the Black Dragon Clan from Mortal Kombat today!"
"YEAH? Well, lawn ain't looking so GOOD out there, ya KNOW!? Be a REAL SHAME if those LEAVES weren't raked before the SNOW falls..."
"Yes, but..."
" 'But', my ASS; grab that RAKE, bitch! Hey: Video Games! MILK, no sugar!"

So I hope you all had a great Halloween. This was me. You like it...? I had tons of people confused over how the zombie rabbit worked. My wife was my lovely zombie assistant, and we won second place in the Halloween contest. Yayz.

Because I'm a horror nut who announces for the Roc City Roller Derby, I got to help introduce Night Of The Living Dead at the Little Theatre as part of their 25-Hour Film Festival! That was a great honor. Then Saturday morning was AMPUTHEATRE at Rudicon 2009. And here's where I make fun of y'all: I counted at most five people in costume, including me. Come ON, gamers. It's Halloween- the super-duper shroud of protection for a gaming convention because you can dress however you want! Did you wave your Dork Flag high? You didn't, did you. Sigh. I'll forgive you because I had fun.

I debuted a new Slasher at Rudicon: representing the Evil Little Girl genre in AMPUTHEATRE is the hideous Portia:

Unruly and bratty, Amanda Goode was enrolled into the convent at The Church Of The Cleansing Moon at the age of six. After three years of trying to living up to the challenging Catholic ideals, she discovered The Church’s grim secret- virgin girls were bled out to rejuvenate the strength of the Mother Superior. On the run with this knowledge, Amanda was rescued by road travellers who eventually revealed themselves to be acolytes of the notorious Spider Cult. Her conflict of faith made her easy prey to the spell of the high priest Lycosus. Seeing much potential in the young girl, Lycosus educated her in the Cult’s arcane sorceries. Amanda was ultimately transformed into the grotesque Portia (named after a genus of jumping spider). The sheer distance of her leaps and the strength of her venom (the most toxic in all the Cult) hastened her prominence within the Cult, as well as to Lycosus’ side as his betrothed. Though much too young to legally compete in the AMPUTHEATRE, Portia nonetheless breaks into the arena to liberate her high priest and lover.

So yes, Lycosus seems to be a pedophile. I hope that doesn't make you feel less about a religious fanatic who has murdered hundreds of people.

I've tried making a bride for Lycosus before, but this is the one that's really taken hold. Portia has crazy-ass long-range charges and damaging poisonous bites. Of note is her Safety Line Evil Deed, which lets her land from a botched charge safely out of the Counter-Range of her opponent, and Headdesk, a combination Stun-and-Move.

Huge kudos to my friend Seth Ruskin who just this past weekend ran a game of AMPUTHEATRE at Edison, NJ's UberCon! I can't wait to hear how it went! This was the first show that AMPUTHEATRE was at and I wasn't! cool, huh? Don't forget: if you want your own set, I'm very easy to contact.

Speaking of which, look who's now available in the AMPUTHEATRE store:
Yep, the evil Lycosus himself! Dismemberable and devious! Buy him today!

The new website is coming along nicely. The rulebook has been edited (hail Liz Reay; get better soon, hon'!) and I'm going to have that up on the site soon.

...I wanted to host a game of AMPUTHEATRE on Friday the 13th, but I don't think that's happening. This Saturday however, the Roc City Roller Derby has a double-header: their final bout of the season, so I'll be hosting that. Double-headers are tiring, so I think I'm gonna end this post now and rest up for it. And I think the lawn needs me.

New monsters in the Chenille Macabre store. Bah mah sheeit.

Criminals can't vote

2009-10-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

eez Lou-fucking-wease, my eyes are going to fall out of my head from posting a whole crapload of Etsy monsters. But I gotta plug myself at least ONCE this week before the happiness of Halloween begins. Still got a few beasts and bloodletters to ship out in time, too. So without further ado:

Trigger Treat is in the store again, just in time for October 31st! This is the funniest shirt I've ever given him.
And all new miniatures in the store as well! Spiders, ghosts... spokesmen for Mental Crowbar... Browse, please. Bah mah sheeit. And send me money: Left 4 Dead 2 comes out in NOT SOON ENOUGH and I want to unconsciously rob myself of a social life. Speaking of which...

On Friday, Oct. 30th, there will be a Zombie Walk outside of the Little Theater, where I will shamble as a proud member of the Roc City Roller Derby. There will be a horror movie marathon as well, beginning with Night Of The Living Dead. Go here for the complete schedule.

Then on Saturday (Halloween itself!) I will be at Rudicon 2009 at the Rochester Institue Of Technology hosting a game of AMPUTHEATRE. The game will run from 11am to 3pm. Thanks to the Rudicon staff for accommodating me with an unorthodox time slot. It's very cool of my alma mater to ask me to run The World's Goriest Board Game on the Absolute Best Holiday there is, right?

Okay, an eye fell out. Lemme find it while I still have some depth perception. Happy Halloween, y'all!

(Hah! Found it! Now where's the spirit gum...)

Artistic Integrity FAIL

2009-10-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

kay, this is exceptionally bad of me. Horrible, even. There's a professional side of me that believes that other artists generally should not be mocked. Yes, I've torn more than one never-before-used-asshole out of a number of movies, but this is different. We're all members of Etsy. Paying members. All out to make it big and support ourselves through the media we love and enjoy. So you can understand my hesitance.

You're right. Fuck all that self-righteous noise. Regretsy. Holy crap, check it out.

Whoa, WHOA- check it out when you AREN'T AT WORK, I mean...

Kinky donkey splinter teeth

2009-10-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

irst things first- oodles of utmost carefully hand-picked-and-sorted thank you's to Cassy whom I know from both the Zombie Fest and the Horror Realm. She found my Amazon Wish List and bought me Darkness and Hope from the band Moonspell! Cassy, that is so cool of you; it completely brightened my day.

...Okay, so I did put up a bunch of new Halloween minis. No. I did. They all sold. You missed it. You are teh SLOW. Fret not, bereft beasthandlers- I'll have a lot more up soon. Sooner than my usual Monday update, mind you, so keep those retinas spreadeagled.

In the meantime, this guy is also available:

...D'Seff, the evil two-headed demon from AMPUTHEATRE! From his official Slasher profile:

The zealous Lemurian sorcerer Y’Shakaa devised a grand scheme to recover the mystical Arcanuum Ex Mysteriius Spell Book from the Evil Wardens. While his ensorcelled servants battled the AMPUTHEATRE Slashers, he and his Neo-Lemurian death squad would storm the Wardens’ library. Of pressing concern was the unpredictable monster Crucifiend- his invasion of the arena could spell doom for Y’Shakaa’s plans. As a contingency, the sorcerer studied his fragments of the Arcanuum, and found a spell with which to procure demons from the tenebrous confines of the Nightmare Realm. In a summoning ritual, Y’Shakaa brought forth what his followers would later nickname “D’Seff”: Dicephalotherium daemonicus- a two-headed, toadlike monster of impressive strength and ferocious temperament. Before Y’Shakaa bound D’Seff to his service, it proved its worth by rending several Neo-Lemurian acolytes in a flurry of fist swings and jaw snaps. While clearly against serving Y’Shakaa willingly, D’Seff will easily tear the Slashers to shreds in their twin jaws.

Aha. See? He can fight Crucifiend! That's worth your money, right? Say yes.

...It's well into October, so I'm doing what I've always wanted to do whenever this month rolls around- watch as many horror flicks as Gil-Monsterly possible. Please realize that some of me is playing catch-up as I write these capsule reviews...

Laid To Rest. The first ten minutes of Laid To Rest had Dee Fenestrate and I swearing at the heroine so coarsely that the picture tube on our set began to corrode from the flecks of bile and stomach acid. Then at minute eleven, we fell in love. Chromeskull is an awesome villain with a sweet gimmick, the people he hunts are intelligent and don't do nonsensical fatal things, and the kills are exceptionally gory. Pretty scary, too. Easily one of the best slasher flicks since the original Halloween.

Splinter. Man, why didn't this get a wider theatrical release? Oh, right, of course- it's neither a sequel nor a remake. Makes perfect sense. The creepy-ass life form stalking the vacationing couple and their kidnappers...? Yeah, it's obscured just right with what can ONLY be called "proper use" of ShakyCam at half-shutter speed. Graphic yet never gratuitous gore and a lean running time of 80 minutes rounds out this winner. Just please, Splinter- no sequel. Come on; I saw you hinting...

Teeth. I dunno; this movie didn't do it for me. Okay, so the abstinent teen has incisors in her ahem; well um like, you see YEAH but wouldn't the movie have worked better if her vagina dentata WAS the reason she was abstinent...? Is this supposed to be a feminist horror film? Why linger on the repugnant date-rape sequence? Why the pervy gynecologist? The plot has more holes than a thrift-store condom.

Donkey Punch. Meanwhile, from the other gender...! But it's really not that sexist, is it? When you think about it, men can be donkey punched just as easily as women can. And if you still don't know what it is after that; well, go check out Wikipedia. Look up "List of punches", I learned of the term when researching AMPUTHEATRE basic attacks. Oh, the film? Nude Brits, deaths by flare gun and outboard motor; fairly compelling until its third act. Great title though; it has Dee recoil in disgust when she hears it.

Kinky Killers. Consumer alert- there isn't any "kink".

ooh look a monster wow tits awesum hay dat bich is NAYkid

2009-09-27T22:46:00.001-07:00

ith a quick look to your right, you'll notice that my 2009 C'Thulhu Figure is now in the Chenille Macabre Etsy Store! He may be pricey, but well he did take six hours to build and three hours to paint (which is kind of why I've decided to make but one figure of him a year). But damn if he wasn't fun to make. Serious inquiries only.

...sigh. I've had mixed feelings about returning to this: critiquing other forms of entertainment beneath my withering basilisk's eye. Or to be more concise: ripping apart movies. It's trickier now that I'm part of this whole horror trade, and that I know folks out there who are trying to strike it big in this wonderful, homespun-crafted field. But I really tried to give The Haunted World of El Superbeasto a chance.

Yes, it's a Rob Zombie movie- meaning that he casts his friends in an overlong music video for a song that has only overstayed its welcome on the classic rock airwaves by thirty years. Yes, it's animated by Spumco- meaning that no fungus-ridden toenail, no wax-encrusted ear canal, and CERTAINLY no booger-filled nostril would be denied a graphic close-up still.

But know that I hushed my wife every time she said "NOT FUNNY." Know that memories of Spumco's groundbreaking Ren & Stimpy remained fully entrenched in my mind through my movie. Know that the odyssey of the washed-up wrestler El Superbeasto and his sister Susie-X (Sheri Moon Zombie in a Mary Sue role) through the Haunted World holds so much promise and in its three years of development we all had every right to be excited. But golly gee whillikers; when I crossed The Film Director of No Restraint with The Animation Company of No Restraint. you know what I got...? Bored.

...sorry...

Look, shock gags are like betta fish- they do not mix well with others of their kind. When filming or drawing something provocative, it needs time to captivate. Enthrall. Repulse. Take root in the viewer's brain (watch Meet The Feebles- ah HAH; see the people near you cringing upon mention of that movie...? THAT'S how you shock someone!)

In El Superbeasto however, there is so much tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore in the first FIVE MINUTES that it's like the aforementioned bettas in the same bowl- they've immediately rended each other to shreds, and all we're left to watch is a bowl of lifeless mud. And no amount of Nazi zombies can resuscitate that.

And- for a world inhabited by every movie and fiction monster out there- the movie can be stunningly predictable. If you can't figure out for yourself why the Bride of Frankenstein is coming to climax while sitting in a pond, look out- you're clearly a one-celled organism and there's an amoeba waiting to engulf you.

That's not so say that El Superbeasto is unwatchable. Some of the songs are geniunely enjoyable. Most of the jokes come from Dr. Satan and his gorilla Otto (ripped from George Of The Jungle, but hell that's always funny) and their interaction with Velvet Von Black. Granted, that could be because El Superbeasto himself is the most detestable protagonist I've seen in a long time- over-the-topness be damned. I'm trying to imagine Zombie writing him up, and saying to himself "Now THIS is a guy I can spend four hours alone on a car trip with!" I'm failing.

I also take offense to Zombie's ubiquitous nods to the classic horror and exploitation films of the past because I truly believe that they're lacking in respect. Tura Satana reprises her role as Faster, Pussycat! Kill!! Kill!!!'s lethal lady Varla long enough for Susie-X to slam a door in her face. Zombie's beloved Phantom Creep robot has a major role as Susie's sidekick, but he's a horndog who transforms into a crab-walk-like car that Susie drives by lying belly-down upon, and shifting a single lever between his legs. (...Get it? Bela Lugosi does. And he's underground right now crying.)

Other references include Michael Myers is struck by a car as he crosses the street- which of course stands as a great metaphor for what Zombie did to the Halloween remake. Worst of all, the ending to Carrie is ripped off and accompanied by a song decrying Zombie for ripping off Carrie. No wait- that may be squaresies with how many times Otis Firefly and Captain Spaulding appear in this film. And then when El Superbeasto grabs a mic and bursts into Loverboy's "Piece of My Heart"... ooh, we have a triple tie.

...I think that if The Haunted World of El Superbeasto was more in form with Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, it'd be much more enjoyable. Now I didn't really care for Dr. Horrible, but the "villains" received much more screen time than the "heroes", so I can understand its appeal. Come to think of it, that was what I liked about Zombie's own House of 1,000 Corpses, so why couldn't lightning have struck twice...?

Instead, Rob Zombie's first animated opus is kind of like an Austin Powers movie. Only Austin has been replaced with Andrew "Dice" Clay. And Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are holding out for more money.

The abridged recap

2009-09-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

ehold! Your garishly ghoulish Gil-Monster ascends cackling from the illustrious halls of Horror Realm! It was a great show- and I can say that independently of the fact that college gaming conventions typically don't let you walk around with open containers of beer. Thanks as always to Miss Dee and Rich Dalzotto for managing everything so smoothly.

For me, what matters the most is that AMPUTHEATRE was a hit. It was my first couple of games in a long time, and I think the Slashers missed me terribly. All the players caught on fairly quick, and they fell in love. Of note is that this being a horror convention, Trigger Treat was the darling of the Slashers, not Jinglebunny. I also won three games in a row with Ixnay (trust me. This is an anomaly. Not that Ixnay sucks in combat- on the contrary; he's quite good- but one of the standards in any and all games of AMPUTHEATRE is that I'm bled out and mopped up before anyone else playing.) Oh, and who know who played AMPUTHEATRE on Sunday...? Tom Savini! ...'s son James! He loved it. He's like eight.

I added both Happy Cloud Pictures and the Strychnine Sisters to the links list (but there's links there too in case you get afflicted with palsy before the next sentence and lack the strength to scroll down). I appreciate the free DVD's from Mike and Amy, and the Sisters were such awesome table neighbors... thank you Jen and Ramona for keeping an eye on things.

vincent price aka the king by *bloodedemon on deviant ART

Got this for the wife. This is an oil painting from Chris Kuchta. Sweet, no? I wonder how his AMPUTHEATRE renditions would turn out...

Okay, fading. Bedtime.

...Wait, one more thing. Tiffany...? Tiffany Shepis? It was so cool to meet you at the show. And if you're reading this, I still have that little shark guy you liked.

-The Gil-Monster

Eee-Ex-Eye-TEE!!!

2009-09-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

eaving shortly for the Horror Realm in Pittsburgh, PA! Quite the guest list, eh...? Tony (Candyman) Todd? Ken (Dawn of The Dead) Foree? Leslie (The Devil's Rejects) Easterbrook? Chop-Top hisself, Bill (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2)? And -r-r-r-ROWR; Tiffany (My eyes are up HERE, Gil) Shepis?

As such, the Etsy store is on vacay until Monday. Last year (don't tell nobody) I wound up selling a couple monsters to online folks after convention folks had already taken those same creatures home. Oopsie.

Anyway, with this show I'm beginning a new tradition- or rather, realizing an existing one. Because they take so flipping long to do, your humble Gil-Monster is now making but one C'Thulhu figure a year. This is the 2009 edition of everyone's favorite Great Old One:

He stands nine inches high and his body is built completely from Chenille Stems! The good folks at the Horror Realm have first crack a buying this bad boy, so if your life is devoid of joy save for poseable handmade C'Thulhu figures, git yoah ASS to PEETSbahrg!!

Oh, yes- some of you have been asking when the next game of AMPUTHEATRE will be. I would love to resume public games in October. I miss the hell my Slashers cause and I truly belive that my gameboard gets parched for blood the more it's neglected. In the meantime, I have a demo board for horror shows which will see some of AMPUTHEATRE's carnage drench the Horror Realm HINT-HINT bajeebus HINT.

See you there. And if you New Yorkers AREN'T crossing state lines, then I suppose you had best stay and watch my honies in the Roc City Roller Derby crush their opposition in their first-ever double header bout, this Saturday, at the Dome Center!

...It's your choice. Sex and violence? Or sex and violence?

You think too long. I go.

Sound of that man's head dropping to the floor

2009-09-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

ope you readers don't find this format too irritating. It's just something I thought of to make my little publicized recap of mundane personal events seem a bit more... I dunno; mine, maybe.

I was going to be more conscientious about posting here- I really was. I had done a lot of awesome stuff in the last few weeks- bought a house, became the emcee for the Roc City Roller Derby, appeared on the Metallic Onslaught radio show in Geneva to promote the bout and talk metal... fun stuff.

Then I got a concussion. At Sears. In one of those inverted exercise machines- the ones you strap your legs in, and then flip upside down wildly so the weight spring distends, the ankle restraints snap, and you land smack on your head? Yeah. I hear they do wonders for your back.

So I got to spend the night of August 27th in the ER wearing a size-too-small neck brace while paramedics reached down the front of my pants to make sure I didn't have a C1 fracture. (Priapism is a symptom of nerve damage.) I thankfully didn't. Have a boner as guys "crossed my state line" as Great White would say, that is.

No, I'm fine. I'm no longer the knot of nucking futs anxiety that I was while on the guerney, as a result of my finding out exactly from how high I fell atop my noggin. I thank drinking milk and strengthening my neck muscles through head banging. And my wife. I am so lucky to have her.

My neck is throbbing just from writing about this, so let's look at this week's monsters:

The drop on the head affected me more than I thought. The Kitsune Mini with Meteor Hammer, the Night Rakshasa Mini with Chicken Claw Sickles, and the White Rakshasa Mini with Katana are all what I consider "good guys" in my twisted little universe. No ghastly criminal records. No mouths filled with entrails. No physical, improbable deformities. Just noble animal warriors out to kick demon butt. I must not be fully recovered.

Or it might be because I'm saving all my horror minis for this weekend, when the Horror Realm happens in Pittsburgh, PA! Hope to see some of you there. I will have all-new monsters as well as a smattering of different products at my table, such as the Bags That Bite and other goodies from my new neighbors, Bent Castle Workshops. Buy twenty or thirty of my minis- then buy a Bag That Bites to carry them home in! You will be very, very pleased to do such a thing.

Okay, so "The Headsmen" from Deathlike Silence is in my head right now because I downloaded an XBOX Live game where that video plays, and you try to score as many points as you can by lopping the heads of political prisoners into moving baskets before the song ends. It's a great game in that Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-for-the-Atari-2600 kind of way.

It LIVES!!!

2009-08-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

Your humble Gil-Monster has been gone for far too long of a time. AYE SOWWY!

...I hope that this is a good enough reason: my wife and I bought a house. Woo-hoo! No more Gil-Monster the apartment wastrel; now it's Gil-Homeowner-Monster. I'm just finishing up my studio- I'll have photos of that up soon, because dammit, it's MY studio. Tailored to ME.

So apart from the house stuff and the apartment cleaning and the mortgage squabbling and the moving in...? Well, let's see. Revamping the AMPUTHEATRE website. Making a new board game. Tweaking another. Still playing Left 4 Dead. Not giving a low-flying fuck about Quentin Tarantino and whatever in-joke-laden self-portrait he's got hanging in the multiplexes right now.

Any new artwork...? Okay, here's some:

This is a figure of Stabbity Ann of the Roc City Roller Derby. She's "married" to my wife Dee Fenestrate, making her my derby in-law, if you will. The hardest part of this figure were the fishnets- I painstakingly drew them on. and then covered them with armor and kneepads and crap. Stabbity loved it. And now lotsa ladies of the RCRD want one. Boo-yah.

And as such, I am waaaaay behind on custom orders. I'll be back sooner than later, I swear. Part of the New House Resolutions was to restore my internet presence. I'll stick to that- really.

Especially since I am now the unofficial emcee of the Roc City Roller Derby, and I wear a top hat and throw shirts at people in the stands- which exponentially increases one's notoriety, it seems...

Quarter after 1

2009-04-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I updated. So what's been happening...?

UBCon was fantastic. As always, my friends and I enjoy ourselves up there. And hey: if you bought an AMPUTHEATRE figure from me at the show, you have a free Slasher sheet coming. So email me and get your free PDF!

On the recreational front, my friends and I finished the Endless Setlist 2 on Rock Band 2. On Medium. Harmonix can get bent for putting "Visions" on the disc, and I am far too busy to learn how to play that incomprehensible death metal garbage (written by the boss's daughter) on Hard or higher. Feel free to respond with how you personally beat the song on Expert- it will be met with steel-tipped apathy. 84 songs in a row makes one abhorrent to play Rock Band ever again.

Still building monsters and stuff. I should have a few more AMPUTHEATRE guys up for sale on Etsy in a few days. I've also been updating a lot of Slashers towards the new rules. My website also needs a few changes, so I'll be updating that as well.

Oh, BTW- I'm contributing my claws, my lungs, and my sardonicness to the Roc City Roller Derby as their announcer. My official kitschy derby name is, um... well, The Gil-Monster because everyone kind of knows me around here. I could come up with a name- Creep Throat and Dreadful Howard were in the running- but I'm betting that I'd hear a "Gil!!!!" in the audience and thus ruin my secret identity and invite all my super-powered arch-nemeses (the band Abnormality, for example) to go after my loved ones.

So in commentator practice, I'm watching some roller derby matches- as well as an old WWF Royal Rumble tape from 1992.

Because as a broadcast team, Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon were the motherlovin' shiznit.

...Oh, "Dreadful Howard" is a pun of The Dreadful Hours, an incredible album from My Dying Bride, who routinely make albums that are better than anything in your sad, SAD musical library. Haven't you bought For Lies I Sire yet? Are you stupid...?

AMPUTHEATRE gamyness

2009-04-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

AMPUTHEATRE was a lot of fun last night. I want to thank Eugene for informing the folks at URSGA about the game; it went well. The game runs smoother than it ever did in the past, and I'm excited to play again.

I'm thinking of adding a new playing date to the week. I haven't been at Millennium in a long time, and that's only because I live in the city and driving back out to Henrietta for games on Fridays (my wife and I share the car) left a burning and itchy sensation.

So I might do Saturday afternoons at Millennium; like maybe 1-5 or so. Not every Saturday; my idea is to swap out between Millennium and Comics Etc. If I do Millennium on a Saturday, then I'll be at Comics Etc. on the following Friday. How does this work for folks...?

I know that there are Warhammer tourneys going on then, but that's just more yummy publicity. Thoughts...?

(....)

A new Slasher is now in the game; her debut stuttered a little bit at SIMCON, so here she is again. Meet Locusta:

...I said, meet Locusta:

...um...

...okay, Blogger is being four-alarm retarded and not letting me upload her photo. More delays!

I guess you'll have to go here for now and click on the giant man-eating plant. She should be a Trap, but Locusta is a playable Slasher. She throws those burrs at her opponents. You simply put them on the board where you want them and they asplode into area-of-effect poisonous clouds. She also gains a Sunder when she drops into yellow health. Last night she made short work of Ashezz... that's right, the pyromaniac. Ironic, no...?

...Next weekend is UBCon, so I'll be there Saturday and Sunday. Come on down and show me the love, whether you play AMPUTHEATRE or walk home with your own Chenille Macabre horror.

Finally, because I'm in my LATE THIRTIES O NOES I'm trying to... well, learn to eat yogurt. It's not going well. Plastic little cups roll about the floor and cultured glop drips down from the eaves like Wacky Wallwalkers on amphetamines. Yogurt is just too sour for my tastes. Experiments have shown that only by drowning the goop in crushed Butterfingers or Oreos or other trans-fatular goodness can it become palatable to Gil-Monster's like myself...

The spiders are dead; long live the lobsters!

2009-04-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

...I seem to be on a nipple-piercing kick this week at Chenille Macabre; as our new Gangbanger Mini with Machete and Pit Fiend Mini with Chain Whip both dangle gold rings from their chest anomalies.

Meanwhile in the AMPUTHEATRE, a new figure of the sinister nightmare stalker Mr. Eyeball Plucker graces the store, and he is accompanied by the psychotic Trigger Treat- a murderous, pumpkin-headed redneck with a makeshift pistol.

All handmade, all unique, all poseable! Buy yours today!

Also, we will have a game of AMPUTHEATRE at the Village Gate in Rochester NY, this Friday (April 10) at around 7 pm. Come play the evil game and see what the fuss is about.

(....)

I went to our local Christmas Tree Store this morning because my Glue Gun Security Spiders died. But what really annoyed me about the Christmas Tree Store is that-

...Oh, my Glue Gun Security Spiders? When I plug my glue gun into the wall, it's connected to string lights so I know it's on. If I see glowing spider lights, then I know not to leave the house until I yank the lights from the wall. And these lights have casings over them that resemble spiders on them. Halloween lights. Simple.

So I need new string lights, but the Christmas Tree Store isn't a holiday store at all: it's a bargain closeout place. Maybe this is old news to everyone else, but can you blame me for being confused? The facade of the building looks like a holiday store, and a sorry glut of us have spent the last eight years arguing, spitting, and swearing up and down that Christmas was "under attack", or some such idiocy.

But I did get a new set of string lights there. They're lobsters. The Glue Gun Security Team is now a fully crustacean operation.

This is acceptable; my wife is from Maine, after all.

New Slasher: Kaiaphas

2009-03-30T18:30:00.001-07:00

Oh yes. I forgot to mention that at SIMCON, a new Slasher joined the AMPUTHEATRE Rogues' Gallery: Kaiaphas:

Formerly an enforcer of the brutal Third Eye gang operating out of Los Diablos, California, Diego DeJesus gave no quarter and asked for none- that is, until his AMPUTHEATRE competition. Convicted for murdering four families in a turf dispute, DeJesus was sentenced to battle Lycosus and several other convicts to the death. As the battle raged, DeJesus lost both of his arms to an opponent who happened to procure a chainsaw in the arena. In this moment, DeJesus was terrified by the realization of his own mortality, and sobbed uncontrollably. Out of panic, he turned to Lycosus- the only Slasher he witnessed using magic in the conflict- and promised unwavering loyalty to the Spider Priest if he could be saved from death. The flattered Lycosus agreed, and conjured four arachnid-like limbs in DeJesus’ arm stumps to replace his lost limbs. Now the loyal bodyguard of Lycosus, DeJesus has taken the name of Kaiaphas at the Spider Priest’s behest. In an act of disrespect common amongst initiates to the Spider Cult, Kaiaphas wears a crucifix covered in cobwebs.

Kaiaphas is a Slasher serving as a replacement for Kali, whom I decided to remove from AMPUTHEATRE (aside from the theological reasons, I thought she looked a little too much like Goro and Sheeva from Mortal Kombat, honestly). So with the market opened for a four-armed Slasher, I whipped up a henchman for Lycosus.

Kaiaphas has many Hold attacks, a Charge he can use from the Rising position (which I never got to use because it requires all four arms, and that meant dropping the Outboard Motor he picked up) and his Hourglass Smash- an attract move that pulls an opponent into a Stunning headbutt. It's a sick attack that gets sicker the more arms he has free.

...I might make more henchmen for Lycosus- but sparingly. I've tried in the past, and Kaiaphas is the first one who has stuck with me.

He won the first AMPUTHEATRE game on Sunday; killing four Slashers with the Outboard Motor. BWA HA HA HA HA HA...

Roller Derby Fever at Chenille Macabre!

2009-03-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend was busy. I'm back from a big ol' AMPUTHEATRE game at SIMCON, and I had a great time. Thanks to all who came out and played The World's Goriest Board Game. It sounds like many of you have been eager to play, and I'm delighted that you finally received your opportunity. As always, figures are available in the store, and I'll be adding new ones over the days to come.

But not this week. I wanted to take a quick reprieve from AMPUTHEATRE to put up something new...

With my wife joining the Roc City Roller Derby, I was inspired to make fantasy roller derby miniatures! Groove to these deluxe miniatures all cruising for brusings on the bank track! The undying vengeance of the Onryou! The dirty tricks of the She-Devil! The petrifying gaze of the Medusa! And last but never least, the no-nonsense grit and determination of the Derby Girl! All handmade, all unique, all signed! Buy yours today! (Miniatures sold separately.)

...I so badly want to make a board game with these girls. Oh yes.

Any offers...?

Behold: Crossface!

2009-03-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

I noticed that the Psychopath Miniatures section of the store was running a little empty, so I threw some new miscreants in there. Go check them out.

I've also (finally) uploaded new photos to the Chenille Macabre Gallery. With my favorite sold pieces, it's over twice as big as before. I'll be changing a lot of my links to here; relying on deviantART is a little tacky. (Forgive me if comments like "Boy, I'd sure like to have that" wear on a soul such as myself who 1) dwells in a world built upon trade and transactions and 2) wonders what part of the "Buy me!" link seems to confuse people...)

On the AMPUTHEATRE front, I'll be at SIMCON at the University of Rochester this Saturday (12-4 pm) and Sunday (9:30- 2pm) to run a demo of its horrific gameplay. Come see me!

...I'm still waiting on the rulebook, nonetheless I'm going to keep making AMPUTHEATRE figures to stock the store...

...such as the evil reverend Crossface! On sale now!

...I know, I know- not quite as good as the one I made for my sister:

...but not only is he just a tad out of scale for tournament play, but I got the vibe that the Build-A-Bear Workshop didn't seem like they ever wanted to see me again. They don't offer little black hearts to sew into your bears, sadly. Besides, using real Bibles for the skirt gets expensive.

See you at the Con!

Chenille Macabre on Toy Break!

2009-03-20T09:41:00.001-07:00

I woul 've poste this sooner, but we've ha no hot water for a few ays, which has ma e me hate everything that oesn't offer me anything but cleanliness. Including the "D" key on my keyboard. Little fucker. Staring at me weird... you saw it; he wanted to start up some shit...

But now we're back.

If you check out the Chenille Macabre Home Page, you'll see my work featured on the March 16th episode of Toy Break! It's an excitedly positive review around the 19:15 mark. Thanks go out to Colby for sending the monsters he bought at ZombieFest 2008 off to the show, and to Spencer in Lawrenceville, GA for alerting me to the show (and for buying the adorably repugnant Rot Demon)!

On the AMPUTHEATRE Home Page is now a "Store" link that directly takes you to the AMPUTHEATRE section of the Etsy store, to make the purchase of figures easier.

And while we're on the subject of AMPUTHEATRE, two more things...

I'll be at SIMCON 2009 in my hometown of Rochester, NY this coming weekend of March 28-29, hosting an AMPUTHEATRE Splatter Royal, which is just basically people rotating in and out as they slice each other to ribbons. As always, there's no pre-registration; all you need is your con badge and you can play.
Evil Warden Jeff Thelen has started up an AMPUTHEATRE FaceBook group. Of course, anytime I link to something in FaceBook, it never works- so if you're on FaceBook, and you want to be a part of the group, you know what to do.

...By the way, a few of you have alerted me to the new game for the Nintendo Wii- MadWorld- an outrageously violent game which possesses the same spirit of AMPUTHEATRE, with my favorite style of artwork (black, white and red all over). It looks absolutely gorgeous.

Sadly, I don't have a Wii (I've never been a big fan of Nintendo) so I'll either have to wait for SEGA to make it for my XBOX360, or swap consoles for a week with my Wii-owning friends Chris and Justine Pallace, who I know want a week alone with Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, and Condemned: Criminal Origins...

...but you wouldn't know it

2009-03-17T16:50:00.001-07:00

...C'mon, Gil. How hard can this thing be to update? Oy.

It stems from building monsters every day- which is near to what I do nowadays- leaving me little time to wax poetic on teh intrawebs. And when I do get some time, I don't feel exorbitantly witty or anything... so my blog just rots... unloved... blah... tell Laura it loves her...

Business.

Well, I will be at Horror Realm 2009 (formerly the ZombieFest) in Pittsburgh, PA this fall. Which means there will be Chenille Macabre, there will be AMPUTHEATRE, and there will be me spending my hard-earned pipe cleaner money on more hard-to-find horror memorabilia. Last year's swag included a Dawn Of The Dead T-shirt autographed by Ken Foree and this striking image from a crazy-pantspants-carzy named Joshua Hoffine- which I also had autographed, and framed for my wife for Xmas.

The rulebook for AMPUTHEATRE is coming soon. The website is also being updated, a piece at a time. The figures are out now, and you can buy them here.

Our newest Slasher, the sinister Bagman, is both for sale and part of the Etsy Dark Team's Monthly Exhibition for March, as well as two packs of my Zombie Minis! Go check those out.

And gosh; is it me, or do Gnash and Jinglebunny look just a little different than last we saw them...? That's because they, along with a certain eyeball-yanking phantom, have been bought; boo yah!

So I put new figures of them up as soon as I could. Which brings me to a certain point I need to make: when I remake figures, I'll be making them a touch different every time. This is my creative license.

But under no circumstances will they play any different. A Jinglebunny with googly eyes has the exact same Slasher sheet as one with felt eyes. Yes- I understand the prospect of lots more money trickling out of my hands, whizzing down my leg, and into the sewer, but in my opinion, getting two different characters out of either a different pair of pants or- worse- a more dramatic pose is... what are the words? Right. Really, really ashamedly LAME.

I told myself I'd build at least one more psychopath mini tonight. Don't forget: Horror Realm 2009!

Like Jason and Michael, we have risen once more

2009-02-21T16:37:00.001-08:00

We were down, but we're back. The AMPUTHEATRE site is now back up- under the website that is currently making the game: Chenille Macabre.

And if you haven't seen the figures I'm currently selling... well, what are you waiting for?

My site went down at the worst possible time- right after one of the most lucrative horror shows I've ever done. But now that it's BACK, I can announce games of AMPUTHEATRE at the following shows:

SIMCON 2009 at the University of Rochester
March 28th, from 12pm - 4pm
March 29th, from 9:30am - 2pm

UBCon 2009 at the University of Buffalo
April 18th, from 9am-6pm
April 19th, from 9am-5pm

At the UBCon I'll also be selling some Chenille Macabre work over at the table, with my good pals Bags That Bite and Bent Castle Workshops.

...It is SO GOOD to be back online. That's one less albatross around my neck...

So yes, there are figures for sale. The rulebook is coming soon. I just wanted the figures up on Friday the 13th, so that could be a neat point of trivia for the eventual Wikipedia entry. :P Of course, what with there being a second Friday the 13th in March... duh...

I'm putting the last few touches on the book as we speak. It's looking to be a 36-page rulebook. I've adding the new rules that I've posted about. I tweaked two things:

I've removed the Guard Breaks and Parries. I just never remembered we had them.
Reversing a Resist (Arcana-based) Attack lets you perform an Onslaught against your Attacker. It just makes a lot more sense than them falling down as in the past. I love the idea of whipping around and slicing open Crossface's throat when he's trying to convince you to go beat up perceived agents of Satan. "Fuck THAT noise!"

So don't worry, the game will still run smoothly.

Off now to go update all of my links. I owe Jen Beaven a huge round of thanks. I'll start with a link to her Pencognito strip, and work my way up from there.

AMPUTHEATRE Figures for sale!

2009-02-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is that big crazy thing I was warning everyone about, and here it is: Eight figures- Malice, Gnash, Jinglebunny, the Jack of Clubs, Ashezz, Nine Lives, Mr. Eyeball Plucker, and Mandibula- are the first wave of AMPUTHEATRE figures currently for sale at the Chenille Macabre Etsy store.

Each one is custom-made by me, has removable limbs and a head, and will come with their Slasher Sheets, Bloodcounts, and game markers. I am asking between $25-40 for the figures, inherent upon the effort required to make them. To make them affordable, the figures have been scaled down to 3" in height, and they play on a 6 x 8 square grid, with spaces measuring 2.25" square (in case you wanted to get started on making a board...)

I always said I'd never do this, because it would be nothing sort of in-motherfucking-sane and I'd never meet demand. And yet, there's something liberating about doing these all by myself... no compromises on their appearances, no ungodly costs towards plastic production, able to change their costumes if I like... yeah. This should be fun.

The rulebook is coming soon. Honest. I want it as bad as you do. But I wanted to get the figures up today- Friday the 13th- in preparation for the possible Wikipedia article about this game.

This is the first wave. Next up are Lycosus, Crucifiend, Trigger Treat and the Thicket. I'll have them up soon. I want to see how well these guys do.

...And for the record, game testing will continue. Send me some evenings that you would be up for it.

Wish me luck, okay...?

So it begins...

2008-12-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Of all the quotes one can get out of the Lord Of The Rings movies, that's the one that sticks with me. King Theodin atop the walls of Helm's Deep, noticing that the Uruk-Hai kegger outside has gotten all kinds of rowdy. So it begins, he mutters aloud. I speak of course of Christmas- or Christmonth, as I like to call it. Radio stations belching out Xmas carols all month long tends to do that to me.

...I hope you all had a good Black Friday, specifically you early-morning consumers. Hope you got some good deals, and I also hope that as of this writing you've finally scraped the last bit of temp worker flesh from the treads of your sneakers. What the hell is the matter with you people?

...Now that December's started, I won't be taking any more custom orders for Christmas. The ones I already have are keeping me busy, and I don't know how needed I'll be at my steady job. Sorry about that.

But there will be new monsters throughout the month, so purchase those if you will. ;)

Winter has arrived...

2008-11-24T08:38:00.001-08:00

...bringing out the faux Norsemen inside myself. As much of a bummer as the cold months of November through February are, they tend to make the metal music crunchier.

As for the holiday blues, do what I do: watch all manner of disgusting horror films throughout Black Friday to Christmas Day. Remember in Pulp Fiction when they drove that giant adrenaline needle into Uma Thurman's ticker? That's what Cannibal Holocaust will do for me after I psychologically overdose on too much holiday cheer and needless hype.

...Doing some Christmas commissions right now, but I wanted to post this up real quick. Back in the spring, my friend Heather asked me to make her a random smattering of miniatures to reward her most exceptional karate students. It's something I've kept meaning to post after finishing it in the summer.

Here are my favorite ones- the guy with the kama and the demon mask, specifically.

Speaking of minis, there's a few more in the store now. Buy them.

Gears of War and Gifts of Win

2008-11-17T16:54:00.000-08:00

I was commissioned by a member of Etsy to build some Gears of War miniatures as a gift. Here are Damon Baird, Augustus "The Cole Train" Cole, and a Locust Drone. Behold:

Baird, Cole and the Locust Drone stand approximately 2.5" (6.35 cm) high. Their battle armor is built from felt and little balsa wood risers in their boots. Baird wields a shotgun, the Drone packs a sub-machine gun, and Cole has that wicked assault rifle with the chainsaw underneath- all the weapons are built from plastic, wood and felt.

I finally broke down and bought a used copy of Gears of War for reference. (Video games as tax write-offs. My job now officially pwns.) Frankly I don't get excited anymore over soldiers in big bulky battle armor, looking like Volkswagen Impersonators, or V.I. JOEs for short. ALIENS was 20 years ago, and that's all I'll say because that little nugget of knowledge packs glass shards in it, and doesn't go down quite so easily.

I always thought GoW was a first-person shooter which- unless it's Condemned- doesn't do much for me either- o Frith and Inle; I'm impossible to please. Turns out the game is in third-person perspective. I see what the fuss is about- it's memorable, it's exciting, and it's actually pretty innovative. Shooting petrol tanks to light up the night and (old school alert!) thwart the grues, though, is very intense. Remember the grues from Zork...? They now have wings. And numbers.

I'm not sold on the cover system, probably because the auto-aim of both Manhunt or Grand Theft Auto IV have spoiled me. I know I don't like enemies that take six or seven rounds to the head before sating the maggot munchies. And I am amused that super-soldier Marcus Fenix can't jump over anything in his path unless he first bashes the object with his armored butt.

(....)

...Anyway, my birthday is coming up and it's around this time that I inform people of what I would like. My mantra has always been Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games~Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games and it rings louder in this economy. Three pages of ideas comprise my Amazon Wish List, and I also decree that my thirty-fucking-seventh year on Earth shalt be heralded with Liu Kang- that Shaolin slab of mutton- getting his teeth kicked in by The Joker. ...Let's hear you cluck your HAI-YAHs through cheeks pulled back to your EARS, cheese-boy...!

If you want to get creative on me I would love an official Blood Island- you know, the Shark Board- professionally printed and Plak-It'ed for AMPUTHEATRE combat- but that'd be kind of hard to surprise me with. You'd have to wrestle me to the ground and run off with my AMPUTHEATRE data, specifically the Official Board CD and the Dremel Font, and assure me that it would all be for a good cause.

...What might be easier? Learn enough Cyrillic to go to Alkonost's official website and buy me an album. Say it with me: FUCK THE SHIPPING COSTS; THE GIL-MONSTER NEEDS ARIAS, WINDMILLS, AND METEORITES! RUSSIAN METEORITES!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to storm something.

Oh, should I post something here...?

2008-11-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

I need to return to blogging. I realize that I expressly made this blog to do just that, and the idea of writing has just... meh. So I kind of swore to myself that after the Presidential Election (wow, history has occurred! Pretty cool!) I'd resume keyboarding incessantly about nothing again. Well, not nothing...

The ZombieFest 2008 was a wonderful affair and we had a great time all around. It was the best I had ever done at a show like that, so let's keep the event in the mall next year as well. (Nothing like being across from a Rite-Aid when you've forgotten something for your booth.) My wife and I took many, many pictures during the event, and you can find those here.

The Chenille Macabre store has been stocked with new monsters every week this year. I've lost track of how many I've made all told, and if you've bought a monster from me you are my new best friend. This week's monsters are the following:

The feral Snow Akuneko, the fearless Spartan, the mysterious Ghost Pirate, and the conniving Dark Elf. Snap them up, quick.

But mostly I miss yapping about horror films I've seen and complaining about webstuff, I promise to do that more often. Honest.

New at Chenille Macabre

2008-10-13T09:25:00.001-07:00

Hello, Etsy Dark Teamsters...

Kind of a blue period going on over at Chenille Macabre this week! New in the store are a Pigmask Killer Mini, and deluxe miniatures of the Queen Of Destruction and a Sea Monster!

Quite busy as of late; churning out more monsters for the ZombieFest 2008 in Monroeville, PA! tIt's happening this October on the 25th and 26th! If you're headed out that way, come check out the Chenille Macabre display!

Yours,
The Gil-Monster

New in the store: Oni Figure with Kanabo

2008-06-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Another fun beast to make. 6 inches high, with a big ol' iron club to (pardon the pun) hammer his point home! Buy him today!

New at the store: Minotaur Figure

2008-06-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Check out this bad boy. 6" high, with a massive crowbill for a weapon. Hammer the rider off his horse, then stick him when he's on the ground.

You SoulCalibur players who favor Astaroth (I'm one of you) should know I was repeating to myself over and over "Pretentious little bug!" during the construction.

(....)

...And now an important message from the George Carlin Institute: "FUCK DEATH."

Carlin was one of my biggest comedic influences. He was to be my write-in candidate for this year's election.

I'm going to miss him.

Just call it "Car Wars: The Movie"

2008-06-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

My friend Tom Gleason of Spinning Grave Productions and Dark Destinations sent me the trailer to a remake that I was imagining myself remaking, specifically the awesome Death Race 2000.

So anyway: First gear. Where the hell is Frankenstein? Or "Machine Gun" Joe Viterbo, or Calamity Jane, or any of the other crazy-ass drivers from the original movie...? Who are these grizzled, whining losers? Prison, shmison: did any of them need to be repeatedly reconstructed like David Carradine's awesome character? Let me answer that like Frankenstein would: with a blunt, short "NO."

Second gear. Where the hell is the nudity? These fly girls can walk in all the slow-motion they wish- are they gonna take their clothes off...? I only say this because I'm a randy pervy goat boy- and that there was flesh aplenty in the original film!

Third gear. Where the hell is the satire? That ripping off of The Running Man means nothing: where're the nods to Mr. President? To the resistance? Where're the score values for running over pedestrians...?

Third gear into fifth. WHERE ARE THE PEDESTRIANS!?!?

WHERE'S THE INNOCENT PEOPLE all over the streets, staining the grills of the cars with their copious blood...? The Death Race is about thinning the population through vehicular manslaughter- or at least it was!! C'MON!!! Jigsaw and the Elite Hunting brigade are currently running around snipping Achilles' tendons left and right- wouldn't now be an ideal cinematic climate to release something as violent and edgy as a real Death Race 200o remake, instead of this...?

I might be proven wrong, but guns on the cars don't fill me with hope...

New: Vampire Lord Figure

2008-06-16T07:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, now he was fun to make. Complicated yes, but fun.

I originally bought these light blue chenille stems to make some kind of Cenobite, or even one of the Oro from the Condemned games (play those if you haven't. They're scary as hucking fell). I was on a fetish armor kick but then I thought those type of creatures might be a little too out there for the marketplace. Then I decided light blue was a perfectly acceptable vampire flesh tone.

Felt and windowscreen make up this bad boy's armor, with a red bloodstone in the center. Check out more photos here.

The knife was stolen from a generic 12" military figure. Has anyone else noticed this? How there's a gentle song of "Thaaaank yooooou..." on the breeze whenever a 1/12 scale horror figure gets a 1/6 scale knife painted bloody...? No...?

I've got a surplus of monsters in the shop, so I'm uploading two beasties a week instead of three for a while.

New: Shadowlord Mini

2008-06-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

A mean and nasty black knight now on sale! His scythe is fixed to his left hand, but he's still quite poseable! More photos here.

New: Tengu Mini with Tanto

2008-06-10T08:11:00.001-07:00

...Cute little guy. He was a bit of a relief to make; sometimes one needs a change from the same old goblins and gnolls and maniacs.

I realize that tengu aren't always malevolent spirits, but then again... this is Chenille Macabre...

More photos here.

By the way, check this out. It's exciting to find others who do what I do.

New: Chimaera Figure

2008-06-09T08:00:00.001-07:00

As you might imagine, this guy took some time to do. He's enormous- 15" to 17" long, depending on which head you measure from- with a wingspan over a foot in length. The price is fair; building polycephalic monsters (that's the right term, right?) is always a crazefest- especially polycephalic (maybe it is the wrong term, but I'm on a roll) monsters with wings- which have to be built before the body is finished. And because I'm sort of a stickler for biology, I like to make sure the transition from lion chest to goat butt is pretty seamless.

And yet, after all of that, this might be like the tenth Chimaera I've built (not all of them this big), just because they're such fun to do. Sell, my pet. Sell.

It was something we had been promising to do for the longest time, and my wife and I finally fulfilled it: we went to the opera together- La Boheme, specifically. I think this was my first time; maybe I fell asleep during one at grade school- no recollection. Mrs. Gil-Monster stated that La Boheme was one of the main influences for the film Moulin Rouge, which didn't serve to alleviate my apprehensions as much as it did remind me that preceding "Watch Moulin Rouge again" on the list is "Pour scorpions down the front of my jeans" as well as "Tattoo the Periodic Table of the Elements on my gums with a soldering iron".

You know La Boheme's damage. Starving Bohemian artists try to stay warm on Christmas Eve. One of them convinces a neighboring waif to fall in love with him, and everybody everywhere is blissful until it's dropped that Mimi the waif is fatally afflicted with deus ex machinitis. Yes. La Boheme is aggressively and unapologetically plotless. (Why ...yes. The toy vendor was integral. Sure.) But still- it was still a beautiful and rich performance. The actors were all quite physical in their singing- apart from Mimi (yes I know she's supposed to be sick but sick people shouldn't be belting their lungs out anyway; gesture, woman!)

"I hate Bohemians", I thought in the final act as the four artists pranced about their flat, mimicking tittering women and fencing with paintbrushes. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't moved as the curtains fell for the final time.

So is my wife, by the way. "Feh! I do not 'cry' at the OPERA!" she said before the lights dimmed.

New: Deep One Mini

2008-06-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

Eager for Great C'Thulhu to awake from his deathly slumber is this 2" high terror from the deep! Highly poseable, with an anglerfish lure to sniff out those pesky tourists to Innsmouth. Check out his Etsy page for more images.
-The Gil-Monster

Kitsune Mini with Chicken Claw Sickle

2008-06-03T07:43:00.001-07:00

...He's new in the store today. 2 inches high with a (non-removable) plastic chicken sickle to punish his enemies. Check out his Etsy page for more details.
-The Gil-Monster

Stabbity Ann

2008-06-02T09:06:00.001-07:00

New in the Etsy store, it's Stabbity Ann! A red-headed librarian who for some unknown reason has taken to painting her face, punking herself out, and stalking the night to stab men to death. She wears barbed wire bracers and a windowscreen shirt. Her knives fit in both her hands and her calf sheaths. Take her home!

...In other news, I see that my deviantART page passed 2,000 views. Very cool indeed.

Back from the holiday

2008-05-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hope you all had a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. Notice the width of your monitor screen...? That distance is an inch or two greater more than the one I drove my car through in order to avoid hitting deer on the interstate last Friday night- thank you, years of video games. Oh, and there was also the Mensa graduate in the pick-up truck who wanted to make a U-ie onto I-90 Northbound- and the ass of his trailer home is hanging out into the left lane. Fortunately I was only going 75 mph, and I've managed to pick most of his family out of my grill.

In spite of that little snarl-up, it was good to get away. I got to hang out with my parents again, pick through more spiky metal crap for building, eat Primanti's, and see Mike and Chris again. That had been too too long. Lemme know if your kids need any more comedy material, guys.

As you might have guessed, we got to finally check out the Monster Mini Golf. Last year at ZombieFest, we never got the chance, as close as it was to the venue. Fortunately my parents live near the area, so my wife and I took my mom. Lots of animatronic horrors bouncing about. The darkness and neon hides a lot of small tunnels about the maze-like course, suitable to putt through and maintain par.

(....)

Way back at UBCon 2008, Evil Warden MOAD Terran HQ snatched some photos of the madness that is AMPUTHEATRE. And now I have a chance to post them:

This is Ling Chi, a kung fu master with a bushido mask and human flesh flags flying from his shoulders. He knows several different martial arts styles and demostrated every one of them on The Thicket in less than 1/10th of a second.

One of the more popular of AMPUTHEATRE's Slashers is Gutwrench; a robot specifically built to kill the serial killer Jinglebunny. In this photo, we see that Gutwrench forsakes his anti-tank rockets, buzzsaw head and wood chipper morphing abilities to wield a wicked-ass steak knife! ...Ling Chi! CATCH!!!

Then the Slashers all warmed themselves by the Sacrificial Fire Pit.

Mandibula seemed exceptionally cold.

Quick update

2008-05-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

Beginning on Page 2, I've added some more photos to the Chenille Macabre Gallery. I'll put up some facts about each piece later on.

While I was toiling away on the Chenille, I see that the Werewolf figure has amassed some 1300 views... not too bad. I gotta thank Jen for both assembling my website and making it easy for me to update the gallery. If you haven't read her chaotic collection of penguin mayhem yet, check out Pencognito now. I'll wait.

Actually, I can't wait. I'm needed elsewhere. Back soon.

Hi, I'm The Gil-Monster

2008-05-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

...Let's just launch this mother. Buenos nagas. I'm The Gil-Monster. I'm a sinister toymaker lurking about upstate New York and building all sorts of hideous beasts out of Chenille stems (that's pipecleaners). I use felt, paint, marker and lotsa other things, but yes... pipecleaners.

I started working with pipecleaners when I was four years old... just twisting them and making shapes. Now thirty years later, in which my sense of humor got twisted and then twisted again and then twisted a lot more, I'm building horrors similar to what you see in the slideshow in the sidebar. I am a fan of heavy metal music, horror films, and violent video games... which may have a faint influence on my work; you tell me.

(....)

Because of my passions I've invented and patented my own board game: AMPUTHEATRE; a gruesome affair which involves incarcerated serial killers fighting to the gory, bloody death. Instead of miniatures, AMPUTHEATRE employs action figures with removable heads and arms. Decapitation, dismemberment and even immolation reign supreme in the World's Goriest Board Game. You can read more about it here.

Meets for AMPUTHEATRE will be posted on this site- whether it's for a gaming or horror convention or just a meet somewhere in the city. Check the game out- you can jump in at any time in the action.

(....)

I also sell my pipecleaner work online. At Chenille Macabre is where you can purchase handmade, original pipecleaner monsters, all unique and signed by me. Each monster is built from scratch and poseable upon completion. The actual site is a little under construction right now... you can also go to my Etsy page and purchase work there. New additions to the store, as well as what's in my showcase, are featured in the sidebar.

And yes, I do do custom work, so don't be afraid to ask.

Chenille Macabre is a proud member of the Etsy Dark Team; a band of similarly sinister artists all promoting each other. Please check out their wares via the bottle link in the sidebar, and then check it out again... new work and new artists are added all the time.

So hello, good to meet you and I'll be in touch.

Vaya con dios, Slayers.

Test post

2008-05-02T12:59:00.001-07:00

Still under construction. I want this to look awesome. Hopefully this won't bleed into the sidebar. More later.