So it begins...

Of all the quotes one can get out of the Lord Of The Rings movies, that's the one that sticks with me. King Theodin atop the walls of Helm's Deep, noticing that the Uruk-Hai kegger outside has gotten all kinds of rowdy. So it begins, he mutters aloud. I speak of course of Christmas- or Christmonth, as I like to call it. Radio stations belching out Xmas carols all month long tends to do that to me.

...I hope you all had a good Black Friday, specifically you early-morning consumers. Hope you got some good deals, and I also hope that as of this writing you've finally scraped the last bit of temp worker flesh from the treads of your sneakers. What the hell is the matter with you people?

...Now that December's started, I won't be taking any more custom orders for Christmas. The ones I already have are keeping me busy, and I don't know how needed I'll be at my steady job. Sorry about that.

But there will be new monsters throughout the month, so purchase those if you will. ;)

Winter has arrived...

...bringing out the faux Norsemen inside myself. As much of a bummer as the cold months of November through February are, they tend to make the metal music crunchier.

As for the holiday blues, do what I do: watch all manner of disgusting horror films throughout Black Friday to Christmas Day. Remember in Pulp Fiction when they drove that giant adrenaline needle into Uma Thurman's ticker? That's what Cannibal Holocaust will do for me after I psychologically overdose on too much holiday cheer and needless hype.


...Doing some Christmas commissions right now, but I wanted to post this up real quick. Back in the spring, my friend Heather asked me to make her a random smattering of miniatures to reward her most exceptional karate students. It's something I've kept meaning to post after finishing it in the summer.

Here are my favorite ones- the guy with the kama and the demon mask, specifically.

Speaking of minis, there's a few more in the store now. Buy them.

Gears of War and Gifts of Win

I was commissioned by a member of Etsy to build some Gears of War miniatures as a gift. Here are Damon Baird, Augustus "The Cole Train" Cole, and a Locust Drone. Behold:



Baird, Cole and the Locust Drone stand approximately 2.5" (6.35 cm) high. Their battle armor is built from felt and little balsa wood risers in their boots. Baird wields a shotgun, the Drone packs a sub-machine gun, and Cole has that wicked assault rifle with the chainsaw underneath- all the weapons are built from plastic, wood and felt.

I finally broke down and bought a used copy of Gears of War for reference. (Video games as tax write-offs. My job now officially pwns.) Frankly I don't get excited anymore over soldiers in big bulky battle armor, looking like Volkswagen Impersonators, or V.I. JOEs for short. ALIENS was 20 years ago, and that's all I'll say because that little nugget of knowledge packs glass shards in it, and doesn't go down quite so easily.

I always thought GoW was a first-person shooter which- unless it's Condemned- doesn't do much for me either- o Frith and Inle; I'm impossible to please. Turns out the game is in third-person perspective. I see what the fuss is about- it's memorable, it's exciting, and it's actually pretty innovative. Shooting petrol tanks to light up the night and (old school alert!) thwart the grues, though, is very intense. Remember the grues from Zork...? They now have wings. And numbers.

I'm not sold on the cover system, probably because the auto-aim of both Manhunt or Grand Theft Auto IV have spoiled me. I know I don't like enemies that take six or seven rounds to the head before sating the maggot munchies. And I am amused that super-soldier Marcus Fenix can't jump over anything in his path unless he first bashes the object with his armored butt.

(....)

...Anyway, my birthday is coming up and it's around this time that I inform people of what I would like. My mantra has always been Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games~Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games and it rings louder in this economy. Three pages of ideas comprise my Amazon Wish List, and I also decree that my thirty-fucking-seventh year on Earth shalt be heralded with Liu Kang- that Shaolin slab of mutton- getting his teeth kicked in by The Joker. ...Let's hear you cluck your HAI-YAHs through cheeks pulled back to your EARS, cheese-boy...!

If you want to get creative on me I would love an official Blood Island- you know, the Shark Board- professionally printed and Plak-It'ed for AMPUTHEATRE combat- but that'd be kind of hard to surprise me with. You'd have to wrestle me to the ground and run off with my AMPUTHEATRE data, specifically the Official Board CD and the Dremel Font, and assure me that it would all be for a good cause.

...What might be easier? Learn enough Cyrillic to go to Alkonost's official website and buy me an album. Say it with me: FUCK THE SHIPPING COSTS; THE GIL-MONSTER NEEDS ARIAS, WINDMILLS, AND METEORITES! RUSSIAN METEORITES!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to storm something.

Oh, should I post something here...?

I need to return to blogging. I realize that I expressly made this blog to do just that, and the idea of writing has just... meh. So I kind of swore to myself that after the Presidential Election (wow, history has occurred! Pretty cool!) I'd resume keyboarding incessantly about nothing again. Well, not nothing...


The ZombieFest 2008 was a wonderful affair and we had a great time all around. It was the best I had ever done at a show like that, so let's keep the event in the mall next year as well. (Nothing like being across from a Rite-Aid when you've forgotten something for your booth.) My wife and I took many, many pictures during the event, and you can find those here.

The Chenille Macabre store has been stocked with new monsters every week this year. I've lost track of how many I've made all told, and if you've bought a monster from me you are my new best friend. This week's monsters are the following:

The feral Snow Akuneko, the fearless Spartan, the mysterious Ghost Pirate, and the conniving Dark Elf. Snap them up, quick.

But mostly I miss yapping about horror films I've seen and complaining about webstuff, I promise to do that more often. Honest.

New at Chenille Macabre

Hello, Etsy Dark Teamsters...

Kind of a blue period going on over at Chenille Macabre this week! New in the store are a Pigmask Killer Mini, and deluxe miniatures of the Queen Of Destruction and a Sea Monster!

Quite busy as of late; churning out more monsters for the ZombieFest 2008 in Monroeville, PA! tIt's happening this October on the 25th and 26th! If you're headed out that way, come check out the Chenille Macabre display!

Yours,
The Gil-Monster

New in the store: Oni Figure with Kanabo

Another fun beast to make. 6 inches high, with a big ol' iron club to (pardon the pun) hammer his point home! Buy him today!

New at the store: Minotaur Figure

Check out this bad boy. 6" high, with a massive crowbill for a weapon. Hammer the rider off his horse, then stick him when he's on the ground.

You SoulCalibur players who favor Astaroth (I'm one of you) should know I was repeating to myself over and over "Pretentious little bug!" during the construction.

(....)

...And now an important message from the George Carlin Institute: "FUCK DEATH."

Carlin was one of my biggest comedic influences. He was to be my write-in candidate for this year's election.

I'm going to miss him.

Just call it "Car Wars: The Movie"

My friend Tom Gleason of Spinning Grave Productions and Dark Destinations sent me the trailer to a remake that I was imagining myself remaking, specifically the awesome Death Race 2000.

So anyway: First gear. Where the hell is Frankenstein? Or "Machine Gun" Joe Viterbo, or Calamity Jane, or any of the other crazy-ass drivers from the original movie...? Who are these grizzled, whining losers? Prison, shmison: did any of them need to be repeatedly reconstructed like David Carradine's awesome character? Let me answer that like Frankenstein would: with a blunt, short "NO."

Second gear. Where the hell is the nudity? These fly girls can walk in all the slow-motion they wish- are they gonna take their clothes off...? I only say this because I'm a randy pervy goat boy- and that there was flesh aplenty in the original film!

Third gear. Where the hell is the satire? That ripping off of The Running Man means nothing: where're the nods to Mr. President? To the resistance? Where're the score values for running over pedestrians...?

Third gear into fifth. WHERE ARE THE PEDESTRIANS!?!?

WHERE'S THE INNOCENT PEOPLE all over the streets, staining the grills of the cars with their copious blood...? The Death Race is about thinning the population through vehicular manslaughter- or at least it was!! C'MON!!! Jigsaw and the Elite Hunting brigade are currently running around snipping Achilles' tendons left and right- wouldn't now be an ideal cinematic climate to release something as violent and edgy as a real Death Race 200o remake, instead of this...?

I might be proven wrong, but guns on the cars don't fill me with hope...

New: Vampire Lord Figure

Okay, now he was fun to make. Complicated yes, but fun.

I originally bought these light blue chenille stems to make some kind of Cenobite, or even one of the Oro from the Condemned games (play those if you haven't. They're scary as hucking fell). I was on a fetish armor kick but then I thought those type of creatures might be a little too out there for the marketplace. Then I decided light blue was a perfectly acceptable vampire flesh tone.

Felt and windowscreen make up this bad boy's armor, with a red bloodstone in the center. Check out more photos here.

The knife was stolen from a generic 12" military figure. Has anyone else noticed this? How there's a gentle song of "Thaaaank yooooou..." on the breeze whenever a 1/12 scale horror figure gets a 1/6 scale knife painted bloody...? No...?

I've got a surplus of monsters in the shop, so I'm uploading two beasties a week instead of three for a while.

New: Shadowlord Mini

A mean and nasty black knight now on sale! His scythe is fixed to his left hand, but he's still quite poseable! More photos here.