Which was SCRIPTED by orangutans- as opposed to STARRING them

...No one minds if I watch THIS instead of one of our most iconic actors having a stammering, car-stoppingly depressing conversation with a chair that doesn't have a cat on it, do they...? Awesome.

Laughing at Clint Eastwood's politics is what The Dead Pool is for.

Do you know how LONG that goddamn Bane mask took to make

So not only will I be at Roc-Con, but it looks as if AMPUTHEATRE will also be a part of the Queen City Conquest in Buffalo, NY that dame samn weekend. The convention clash will not get us down; Evil Wardens DB and Remy will be running The World's Goriest Board Game on Saturday and Sunday. Once I get the email confirmation (despite how long I've known con chair Tim Hannon, I'm still surprisingly bureaucratic about all this), I'll throw teh link in teh sidebarz.

UPDATE: Confirmed. Times are on Saturday and Sunday, 1-7PM and 1-ClosePM.

Artwork dump-o-rama this week. LET'S GO:

 

A drawing of D'Seff I've been futzing with while sales on Etsy don't transpire. Life gives you lemons...

QUE!? AMPUTHEATRE Traps that take less than an hour to make and cost less!? Yes, Virginia: these Paper AMPUTHEATRE Traps were a fun summer project! Behold the ferocious proximity of The Yeti-In-The-Box! Impale your opponents groin-first on the Judas Cradle! Finally, huck an enemy Slasher or even their limbs into the Mandible Incinerator!

All can be easily assembled once exhumed by your printer, and include their respective rules printed on their bottoms! Gimme a few weeks, and I'll have the set available on the Drive-Thru RPG marketplace!

Speaking of Traps, here's a Garrotte I built for Evil Warden DB. The Garrotte's a good third Device Trap for your AMPUTHEATRE boards, seeing as it only hurts Slashers Running Randomly- BOY does it hurt them. And I like to gussy them up, since I'm paid to put two poles... on a... base. With... a string.

For you AMPUTHEATRE customizers, the skulls come in packs of like ten or twelve, and are available now for the Halloween season at Michaels Arts and Crafts And Getting Busted For Marking Up Custom Framing Prices By 50% And Then Giving Customers 50% Off So They Think They're Saving Money But Continuing To Falsely Advertise Anyway.

I realized I didn't have my OWN Garrotte. There was a "Skull & Bones" Vending Machine in the area about a year ago, into which I promptly inserted an entire paycheck. It gave me tons of cheap vinyl tombstones, gargoyles, and the Reapers you see here.

Oh, and Beth over at Pandaman suggested I make some figures of established characters- but GORE THEM THE FUCK UP like I do with AMPUTHEATRE. Here's fucking SKELETOR, goddammit- annexing the Pandaman bar counter for the site of a new Snake Mountain. He's available at the store. I have a sick Mumm-Ra in mind now...

Lunch.

It's never too soon to bash Tom Cruise

ERMAGERD, MOAR- hmmmm? Yes, I DID notice that Rorschach was taller than Kintaro. Much obliged, Sherlock. Maybe you should correct this sneering oversight and BUY one of them at this year's Roc-Con...?

Confession: I love Kintaro. I love him and I love to build him.

We have an 8' x 8' area to work in at this show. It's the standard, but I'm trying to build a vertical rack for my monsters so we can comfortably play AMPUTHEATRE in the same space. And that will help at other shows as well when I simply can't for whatever reason run The World's Goriest Board Game...

The new miniatures in the store this week are a Frostdrake and a Psychopath with Knife. More dragons never hurt a show, and consider this: when you buy a superhero figure, how many thugs do you have for them to beat up...? Consider taking two or three generic mohawked, masked nemeses home along with Daredevil or Batman- all The Kingpin and the Penguin do is talk, anyway.

(....)   

Oh yeah: found this again when I was uploading pics. It's the piece I did for the 6x6x2012 exhibit earlier this summer. It's a top-down piece with an arctic octopus and a fierce candidate for The Cutest Damn Animal I ever made:

Anyone in town recognize this...? I never got a chance to hit the exhibit myself and see if it made the walls.

(....)

...That sucks about Tony Scott; director of The Hunger. I can only imagine why he would go and end his life like that, but since he was in talks with L. Ron Hubbard's favorite Wall Of Teeth about a Top Gun sequel, I'm striking while the iron is hot:

"Hey, Tony! I'm ready and raring to go on Top Gun II! So, when do I return to the... DANGER Zone?"
"Actually, Tom, time's kind of caught up with us. This treatment of the script suggests that Maverick is now an Air Force colonel with his own team of hot shots; sending them on unregulated missions and defying military brass to save the day. You know, like Nick Fury in The Avengers?"
"Did you SEE M:I 4, shitbird? Has Xenu BLINDED you to all the commercials for The Expendables??? I'M flying that plane! OLD is the NEW YOUNG!!! Now, where's my F-14 Tomcat?"
"Tom, it's been over 20 years! The F-14 is RETIRED!"
"OH, so your prejudice against the elderly extends to VEHICLES too, HUH, Tony? Listen, bitch: THE TOM-CAT FLIES THE TOMCAT!! And I want it to read 'DIE KATIE YOU WHORE' across the fuse-lodge! But spell 'Katie' with a 'Y', for lest we forget: I am an ACT-tore."
"Why...? WHY wasn't The Hunger a bigger hit!?"
"Oh: and have the jet painted a shimmering teal with [air-claws] tiger scratches in abalone cream, and have a cosmo mixer installed in the [titter] cock pit. Because I am adamantly not gay."

GAMIN for TEH KIDZ

It's hardly a secret that your friendly neighborhood Demon Prince of Pipe Cleaners is gaga over violent video games. The sun might as well not shine on the day he DOESN'T towel zombie guts off his chainsaw with a ninja's flayed skin. Hell, VVG's were the driving force behind the creation and realization of his own AMPUTHEATRE, The World's Goriest Board Game.

But now I'm going to use such games to benefit more than just myself. I'm going to play video games for charity- specifically, for the Golisano Children’s Hospital at the University of Rochester Medical Center.

GCH is a local Children's Miracle Network Hospital and it treats thousands of children each year- even with the economy being what it is. Said kids suffer from a lot of things that ONLY belong in creatures and AMPUTHEATRE Slashers that The Gil-Monster makes: cancer, cystic fibrosis, injuries from accidents... ad depressum.

So on Oct. 20th, 2012, I'll attempt to play an epic 24-hour video game marathWHUH!? TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OF STRAIGHT GAMING!?!?!? JESUS BUTTON-MASHING CHRIST; is THAT what I signed on to do!? After only five hours of straight gaming is when a cholesterol-brick with a note tied to it flies up my throat and into my cranium reading "Brain: STOP PLAYING NOW or we varicose the legs. Love, The Circulation"! So it's my sincere hope that you'll find it in your heart to support me with a monthly pledge or one-time gift that will go directly to my hospiWAIT a minute: the TWENTIETH of OCTOBER!? The day before my WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!?!? OH, for... ARRRGGHHH!!! "Happy Anniversary, sweetheart! I got you ME: atrophied, trembling and bloodshot!!" I'm unable to personalize any more of this while I'm cowering beneath my desk; take it away, form letter!


Your donation is tax-deductible and ALL PROCEEDS go to help kids.

Last year, Extra Life raised more than 1.2 million dollars to save kids, but in 2012 our goals, just like the needs of the kids we serve, are much, much higher.

The Gil-Monster can't do this without your help. Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation please click the "Support This Participant" button on the donation page:
http://www.extra-life.org/

Thank you for caring for our kids!


...Okay, I'm back. Please give generously. Looks like something fairly simple, like a dollar or two per hour that I play? (It adds up if a lot of you do it.) And it's been added to the sidebar.

ERHMAGERD SURPERHERORES

Just a reminder that AMPUTHEATRE, Chenille Macabre, and I will be at Roc-Con 2012 (check the Conventions link)  in the Main Street Armory the weekend of September 21-23. It's been local shows this year only. The most out-of-town I went was Buffalo, and that's sadly how it has to be. Traveling last year, both to GenCon and my old standby Horror Realm, has taken its toll on my AMPUTHEATRE budget. Not having to worry about gas and hotels turns local shows into a no-brainer.

So to attract you all to Roc-Con, I'm making superhero miniatures to sell! These guys will ONLY be available at shows, Click to embiggen.

I love Poison Ivy and Catwoman most of all. Harley Quinn needs a weapon...

Oh, and before you ask: NO I'M NOT GOING TO DRAGON*CON

SLAYGROUND ELIMINATOR 8-10-2012

Last Friday at Millennium was another awesome AMPUTHEATRE Slayground Eliminator tournament. To the uninitiated, the AMPUTHEATRE Slayground Eliminator is a Last Man Standing tournament between eight Slashers.

Each time a Slasher dies, the steel gate herds the rest towards a drop into the Charybdis Death Fans and a permanent Sunder. The gate itself is protected by the Scylla Death Squad: executioners with dinosaur skulls and flamethrowers that will Immolate anyone approaching. By the end, there are two Slashers left and no way to heal other than having a spell beforehand.

The combatants in the Slayground Eliminator, clockwise from top left: Xenichthys, Vulch... representing the Decepticons, Scorponok (a Zwanziger custom variant), Wretchedness, Ixnay, Conscriptor, Varga, and a Zombie Deathwish (un-Deathwish) in the corner.

Conscriptor's alien blood flows slow enough that he can somewhat deal with a perma-Sunder. He can't however handle the one-two assaults of Zwanziger and Vulch's vodou doll, which gives Conscriptor all damage meant for Vulch. Varga's henchwoman Brank strangles the Xenichthys, and after a massive battle in the lower left when limbs are bitten off again and again, Zombie Deathwish is the first to die to Wretchedness' stone fangs. 

Vulch intercepts Varga's charge with a pin to the vodou doll- bringing her to her knees. Missing arm, shmissing arm: Ixnay takes the fight to Zwanziger, and Conscriptor meets a messy fate in the Charybdis Death Fans as a victim of Wretchedness' dreaded Psychokinetic Heft- a telekinetic ranged Throw.

Varga survives two of Vulch's Spinning Hip Tosses into the Death Fans, but the pain of being suddenly limbless nullifies her Recuperate spell. The Fans also claim Zwanziger's tail, but not before he slays Ixnay.

With her last ounce of strength, an armless Varga kicks Wretchedness into the Scylla Firewall, enraging the flame troopers. Engulfed in flame, Wretchedness nevertheless dashes at the weakened Varga and burns her to death with his Immolated body.

Wretchedness is infamous for his stamina, his telekinesis, and his power to claim Spells instead of health from blood. He DOESN'T make the map for his agility- but the dice are saying differently. Piece by bloody piece, Vulch is eliminated by Zwanziger- making Wretchedness the Monkey In The Middle.

The unintelligent giant scorpion Zwanziger is no match for Wretchedness' telekinesis, and the Death Fans are stalled once more by a corpse. Xenichthys and Wretchedness square off, but Wretchedness employs his Face of Fear Evil Deed, neutralizing the fish's ability to shoot poisonous spines. Xenichthys is forced to fight the stone horror up close.

And after a few placed bites from the mask, Wretchedness is the winner of the Slayground Eliminator! And VERY decisively: he performed the most kills (FIVE!) and had very high health at the end.

I was playing Varga in that, and that was EASILY the most embarrassing death in my ten-eleven years of this game. I can deal with bleeding out, but to lose your last two pints to the guy you just kicked into fire...!?
Pardon the pun: BURN. 

My Top Ten Horror Games

Got a copy of Fatal Frame for XBOX today. The controls aren't what I'd like them to be, but for a 2001 game, it delivers the scares.

On my Facebook page my friends and I were discussing the scariest games we'd ever played. Here's my personal Top Ten. No order. And if you don't see something legendary like Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, System Shock... again: games I have played. (And yes, I realize I am pathetic, and must play more of them.)

1. Doom II (a lot of platforms)
   I'm giving the nod to the second game as opposed to the third; I found its reliance on jump scares dated. Back in the day though, running back to that red door only to find the lever we pulled flooded the room with imps and robot spiders was a thrill a minute. Lest we forget, Doom was the first game that truly put us in the mazes we bumbled through, as we went mano y legionos with the zombified Marines, the sacrificed corpses, and the cybernetically-enhanced demons from Hell. 
   Greatest Moment: One word: Cyberdemon.
   



2. Resident Evil (PSOne)
   Go ahead. Remind me how the Master Of Unlocking almost became a Jill Sandwich. ("He's sleeping with the ultimate failure" is my personal favorite line.) Remind me also how the save system was for shit, and how the game TOTALLY ripped off Alone In The Dark. I'll remind you of when the zombie dogs first made their appeara- oh, I don't have to; you remember when your head hit the ceiling.
   Greatest moment: After blowing up the enormous Plant 42, you walk proudly from the greenhouse back to the mansion- across the swimming pool, through the apiary, and into the hallway, with a shotgun and millions of shells making you invincible. Then the game cuts to a POV movie of something that ISN'T a shotgunnable zombie trailing you at breathtaking speed...
   
   
    
3. Decay (XBOX360)
   ...Well, this guy certainly woke up on the wrong end of the noose. One of the best reasons to give the indie games on XBOX Live a shot, Shining Gate Software's four-part budget title lets you point-and-click your way to the answers behind your attempted suicide while a serial killer and a naked doll give chase. A claustrophobic world of dilapidated tenement housing is made even bleaker by a terrific score (yours for free if you beat the game!) along with puzzles that separate the wheat from the chaff.
   Greatest Moment:  Solving the ball puzzle in Part 4. Seriously, Shining Gate: you had us all cursing your name.




4. Clock Tower (PSOne)
   Yeah, RE made all the press and sold a million copies, but it's the shenanigans of Scissorman that actually made me terrified to sit down to play. This point-and-click seems passive, until the serial killer pops out of a box and gives chase. The interface meant Jennifer and Helen half-heartedly jogged away from those twin blades of death, and stopped running once they reached the cursor destination, so you had to hit the button again, and you probably hit it too much because the damned scissors are BEHIND YOU, and Helen is now WALKING because the button TOGGLES JOGGING...
   Greatest Moment: The realization that your only method of battling Scissorman is to evade him, and hope he doesn't fricking FIND you behind the dressing screen...
   
5. Left 4 Dead 2 (XBOX360, PC)
   Four survivors take up arms and battle their way through legions of the running dead. While the "stay together" motif is welcome (and heavily enforced), it's the Versus mode of this game that makes L4D2 shine- letting human players take the roles of Smokers, Hunters, and other unique mutations. It's one thing to stand in a doorway and chainsaw the living dead as they mindlessly rush you- it's another to dash for a saferoom while a super-powered infectee who thinks like you do is on your heels. You'll learn the difference between the idle zombie growl and the I SEE YOU zombie growl quickly enough; making Left 4 Dead 2 fully deserve its place on any Best Horror Games list.
   Greatest Moment: Performing your first kill as an Infected, and laughing in a way you'll regret later.
   
   
6. Manhunt (PS2, XBOX, PC)
   The I Spit On Your Grave of video games. They've got cleavers and assault rifles. You have a plastic bag. And... oh shit, is somebody recording you killing these guys? The white supremacists and asylum maniacs opposing you can all go toe-to-toe with your death row protagonist, and they're cohesive fighting forces that come running when they hear gunshots and rally when they discover corpses. As you hide in shadows and kill from behind- because this is a Manhunt, you realize- you dread every step you take, and do things you aren't proud of. That's horror in my book.
   Greatest Moment: The final scene, Deliverance, where you face your greatest enemy yet. Yes, he's naked.



7. Slender (PC)
   I've been avoiding player commentary for all these videos up until now, since this guy's thoughts are EVERYONE'S thoughts upon playing this game. The story? Story, shmory! GREAT horror NEEDS no stinkin' explanation! Find eight pages in the dark woods before Slenderman finds you. Or you find HIM! Staring is lethal! I know: how about you start downloading this game right now so after you finish reading all this, you can sit down and poo yourself.
   Greatest Moment: The fact that this game is free.
   
   
   
8. Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly (PS2, XBOX)
   Mmmmm. Evil Japanese spirits. Make all the jokes about fighting ghosts by snapping their picture as you want: strategy demands that you wait for the right moment to shoot in order to maximize damage.This means allowing these murderous J-horrors to approach as you watch them through the viewfinder. With contorted drowned women all over the place, this game is right up there in the scariest ones yet.
   Greatest Moment. I left the game to idle while I fixed myself a snack. Didn't pause it- no need, I cleared the room. Five minutes later an anguished yell beckoned from my television, and a WOMAN WITH A BROKEN SPINE FELL OFF THE CEILING HOLY SHITBALLS
   
9. Silent Hill 2 (PS2, XBOX)
   "Oh, you thought Silent Hill was scary?" muttered an irate Capcom. "Here's Resident Evil 3: Nemesis where a giant mutant with tentacles and a rocket launcher chases you all over the place! NOTHING'S scarier than THAT! Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Konami!" "Hello Capcom, this is Konami. We have made Silent Hill 2. It has bondage demons, deformed nurses with scalpels and short skirts, and this guy Pyramid Head who rapes the Dolls of photographer Hans Bellmer. We have hand-rolled Resident Evil 3 and put it in a bong. Do you want a hit?"
   Greatest Moment: Oh... this isn't leaving your mind anytime soon.
10. Condemned: Criminal Origins (XBOX360, PC)
    If you like the grit and unease of Manhunt but find it turns you into too much of a bastard, the urban sickness of Condemned is for you. As a disgraced FBI agent framed for murder by the diabolical Serial Killer X, you take to the sewers and the subways, ripping debris off the walls as weapons against junkies and beggars- all of whom have turned into belligerent psychopaths. Intelligent enemies, forensics, and grim urban decay mean this game was unfairly ignored.
    Greatest Moment: Using ultraviolet light to read the insane tracts that leave you through SKX's house.
    
    
    Please tell me what I've missed. Seriously. I want MORE of these games.
    

Testing... testing...

...Has it REALLY been two years since I last updated this thing?

Buy my book!

otsa crap's been going on, if you haven't gathered by my inability to update a blog. I'm currently locked at my PC uploading tons of Halloween miniatures up on Etsy, so I thought it'd be a sweet, sweet time to inform you of all the craziness.

Horror Realm was absolutely fantastic. As always I had a great time and it was awesome to see everyone again. There's rumor of a mini-Horror Realm happening in March- like, one day or so- so I think I'll be running AMPUTHEATRE at that again. I'll let you all know.

I wasn't aware if I told you all about this, though:




HELL YEAH! The AMPUTHEATRE Rulebook is finally out! Boasting the complete rules, quick-start rules to jump into the action, artwork by myself and Chris Pallace, and a cover by Kevin Serwacki! 48 pages of black-and-white mayhem for only $14.99! Or download the color version for $8.99! Click on the preview to check out the pages!

Also available in the new AMPUTHEATRE bookstore are downloads of Slasher Sheets! They'll be trickling in over the months to come, but for now, you can download all the information you'll need to play two of the World's Goriest Board Game's most popular Slashers: game con favorite Jinglebuuny, and horror con favorite Trigger Treat! Only $2.99 each!

Other work on the way will include Order and Chaos Card decks, and full-color boards. So stay tuned!


New AMPUTHEATRE figures are in the Etsy store once again. In fact, He Who Wilts, Quacksalver, and Thrush all make their debuts on the marketplace.

Buy all this crap, and we'll talk again. I've got to update my website as well now...

Still here, actually

irst of all, appy-polly-loggys for not updating this blog more often. I'm trying to finish the AMPUTHEATRE Rule Book before the Horror Realm this September, and (you've heard this before) I find that blogging is something I don't want to bother with when toiling on text in Adobe InDesign. And you know what else I find a drag...? Writing strategy for the Slashers. The book is going to include the profiles and stats of (I think) sixteen characters, and I can only write "a robust assortment of powerful attacks" so many times before sleep sets in. Yug.

I went to Portland, Maine for the Fourth of July weekend. From our vantage point on the island where my mother-in-law lives, my wife and I got to watch the fireworks from four other islands. I'd like to thank my friend Heather from The Portland Quest Center for letting me present my monsters to her students. Heather gives my monsters out as rewards to the most outstanding of her charges. Here are some examples of the creatures I've sold her; if you've already seen these guys I'm sorry about that:


...I love the guy in the demon mask, particularly.



But enough about me. Congratulations to Cathy Horner of Kingsport, TN! She's the winner of the Zombies & Toys-Chenille Macabre contest and thus the lucky recipient of the Zombie Woman Figure! Way to go, Cathy! Enjoy your Zombie! Thanks to Jason of Zombies & Toys as well, and all who took part in the Undead Bazaar! It sounds like it'll happen again next year, too! Thanks also to those of you who found me through Z&T!



...Now back to me. AMPUTHEATRE was quite crowded last Friday- two full boards with folks still waiting to play!- so work has begun on a third board. Behold: the new and improved Mt. Ripper!

Still under construction, and currently being played on by some of my Mortal Kombat figures. It's so cute. They think they're not going to get in trouble for this. But I forgive them- I figured they wanted to fight on a dangerous board for once. I keed, I keed.

The new Mt. Ripper board is getting a massive overhaul. First off, it's larger that the original AMPUTHEATRE: 10 spaces by 12, meaning Gnash and Trigger Treat will enjoy themselves. Second, the Mandible Gunsaw on the top now rests on blood-drinking grates, meaning you'll have to abandon the gun if you want to reliably heal (which I see a lot of my players NOT doing, honestly.) Finally, the two gray spaces will hold the board's two signature weapons: guns. I know I want one of them to be an assault rifle.

(Some folks might not like the idea of guns in AMPUTHEATRE- I sang NEVER NEVER NEVER for the longest time- but the idea of signature weapons on certain boards is a nice compromise.)

Less obvious changes from the first Mt. Ripper include a subtraction of cheese from the Gunsaw. It can now only target Slashers within the caution tape. You'll notice a line just before the peak. Thus, you'll have to find another way to deal with Slashers who share the top with you. (You're allowed to aim the Gunsaw in any other quadrant during the Rally Action, which led to cheesy 5d8 Weapon Attacks with the damn thing.) Also, the Chaos Deck for Mt. Ripper will sport a few guns: smaller firearms, like 9mm pistols and UZIs.

Finally, there's something else we're working on in regards to AMPUTHEATRE. I'll post it up here when we're nearer completion with it.

(...)

A number of the movies I've seen since I last blogged here: How To Train Your Dragon (bliss), Survival Of The Dead (better than Diary), Firepower (starring The Ultimate Warrior in an endless series of insomnia-curing cage matches), Aswang (forgot my rule about too many laurel wreaths on the DVD box, but I'll let this one slide), The Crow: City of Angels (still sucks harder than an airline crapper), Xanadu (EVEN SUCKIER!), Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (turned it off when this "Edward" thing squealed its way onto my television; I'd never seen her before), Stripped To Kill (not bad), and Honeymoon Horror (worth it for the human voice imitating coffee grounds being scooped up).

Twice. The sound is imitated twice.