ith a quick look to your right, you'll notice that my 2009 C'Thulhu Figure is now in the Chenille Macabre Etsy Store! He may be pricey, but well he did take six hours to build and three hours to paint (which is kind of why I've decided to make but one figure of him a year). But damn if he wasn't fun to make. Serious inquiries only.
...sigh. I've had mixed feelings about returning to this: critiquing other forms of entertainment beneath my withering basilisk's eye. Or to be more concise: ripping apart movies. It's trickier now that I'm part of this whole horror trade, and that I know folks out there who are trying to strike it big in this wonderful, homespun-crafted field. But I really tried to give The Haunted World of El Superbeasto a chance.
Yes, it's a Rob Zombie movie- meaning that he casts his friends in an overlong music video for a song that has only overstayed its welcome on the classic rock airwaves by thirty years. Yes, it's animated by Spumco- meaning that no fungus-ridden toenail, no wax-encrusted ear canal, and CERTAINLY no booger-filled nostril would be denied a graphic close-up still.
But know that I hushed my wife every time she said "NOT FUNNY." Know that memories of Spumco's groundbreaking Ren & Stimpy remained fully entrenched in my mind through my movie. Know that the odyssey of the washed-up wrestler El Superbeasto and his sister Susie-X (Sheri Moon Zombie in a Mary Sue role) through the Haunted World holds so much promise and in its three years of development we all had every right to be excited. But golly gee whillikers; when I crossed The Film Director of No Restraint with The Animation Company of No Restraint. you know what I got...? Bored.
...sorry...
Look, shock gags are like betta fish- they do not mix well with others of their kind. When filming or drawing something provocative, it needs time to captivate. Enthrall. Repulse. Take root in the viewer's brain (watch Meet The Feebles- ah HAH; see the people near you cringing upon mention of that movie...? THAT'S how you shock someone!)
In El Superbeasto however, there is so much tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore and tits and blood and gore in the first FIVE MINUTES that it's like the aforementioned bettas in the same bowl- they've immediately rended each other to shreds, and all we're left to watch is a bowl of lifeless mud. And no amount of Nazi zombies can resuscitate that.
And- for a world inhabited by every movie and fiction monster out there- the movie can be stunningly predictable. If you can't figure out for yourself why the Bride of Frankenstein is coming to climax while sitting in a pond, look out- you're clearly a one-celled organism and there's an amoeba waiting to engulf you.
That's not so say that El Superbeasto is unwatchable. Some of the songs are geniunely enjoyable. Most of the jokes come from Dr. Satan and his gorilla Otto (ripped from George Of The Jungle, but hell that's always funny) and their interaction with Velvet Von Black. Granted, that could be because El Superbeasto himself is the most detestable protagonist I've seen in a long time- over-the-topness be damned. I'm trying to imagine Zombie writing him up, and saying to himself "Now THIS is a guy I can spend four hours alone on a car trip with!" I'm failing.
I also take offense to Zombie's ubiquitous nods to the classic horror and exploitation films of the past because I truly believe that they're lacking in respect. Tura Satana reprises her role as Faster, Pussycat! Kill!! Kill!!!'s lethal lady Varla long enough for Susie-X to slam a door in her face. Zombie's beloved Phantom Creep robot has a major role as Susie's sidekick, but he's a horndog who transforms into a crab-walk-like car that Susie drives by lying belly-down upon, and shifting a single lever between his legs. (...Get it? Bela Lugosi does. And he's underground right now crying.)
Other references include Michael Myers is struck by a car as he crosses the street- which of course stands as a great metaphor for what Zombie did to the Halloween remake. Worst of all, the ending to Carrie is ripped off and accompanied by a song decrying Zombie for ripping off Carrie. No wait- that may be squaresies with how many times Otis Firefly and Captain Spaulding appear in this film. And then when El Superbeasto grabs a mic and bursts into Loverboy's "Piece of My Heart"... ooh, we have a triple tie.
...I think that if The Haunted World of El Superbeasto was more in form with Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, it'd be much more enjoyable. Now I didn't really care for Dr. Horrible, but the "villains" received much more screen time than the "heroes", so I can understand its appeal. Come to think of it, that was what I liked about Zombie's own House of 1,000 Corpses, so why couldn't lightning have struck twice...?
Instead, Rob Zombie's first animated opus is kind of like an Austin Powers movie. Only Austin has been replaced with Andrew "Dice" Clay. And Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are holding out for more money.
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