Monday, October 26, 2009

Criminals can't vote

eez Lou-fucking-wease, my eyes are going to fall out of my head from posting a whole crapload of Etsy monsters. But I gotta plug myself at least ONCE this week before the happiness of Halloween begins. Still got a few beasts and bloodletters to ship out in time, too. So without further ado:

Trigger Treat is in the store again, just in time for October 31st! This is the funniest shirt I've ever given him.
And all new miniatures in the store as well! Spiders, ghosts... spokesmen for Mental Crowbar... Browse, please. Bah mah sheeit. And send me money: Left 4 Dead 2 comes out in NOT SOON ENOUGH and I want to unconsciously rob myself of a social life. Speaking of which...

On Friday, Oct. 30th, there will be a Zombie Walk outside of the Little Theater, where I will shamble as a proud member of the Roc City Roller Derby. There will be a horror movie marathon as well, beginning with Night Of The Living Dead. Go here for the complete schedule.

Then on Saturday (Halloween itself!) I will be at Rudicon 2009 at the Rochester Institue Of Technology hosting a game of AMPUTHEATRE. The game will run from 11am to 3pm. Thanks to the Rudicon staff for accommodating me with an unorthodox time slot. It's very cool of my alma mater to ask me to run The World's Goriest Board Game on the Absolute Best Holiday there is, right?

Okay, an eye fell out. Lemme find it while I still have some depth perception. Happy Halloween, y'all!

(Hah! Found it! Now where's the spirit gum...)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Artistic Integrity FAIL

kay, this is exceptionally bad of me. Horrible, even. There's a professional side of me that believes that other artists generally should not be mocked. Yes, I've torn more than one never-before-used-asshole out of a number of movies, but this is different. We're all members of Etsy. Paying members. All out to make it big and support ourselves through the media we love and enjoy. So you can understand my hesitance.

You're right. Fuck all that self-righteous noise. Regretsy. Holy crap, check it out.

Whoa, WHOA- check it out when you AREN'T AT WORK, I mean...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Kinky donkey splinter teeth

irst things first- oodles of utmost carefully hand-picked-and-sorted thank you's to Cassy whom I know from both the Zombie Fest and the Horror Realm. She found my Amazon Wish List and bought me Darkness and Hope from the band Moonspell! Cassy, that is so cool of you; it completely brightened my day.

...Okay, so I did put up a bunch of new Halloween minis. No. I did. They all sold. You missed it. You are teh SLOW. Fret not, bereft beasthandlers- I'll have a lot more up soon. Sooner than my usual Monday update, mind you, so keep those retinas spreadeagled.

In the meantime, this guy is also available:

...D'Seff, the evil two-headed demon from AMPUTHEATRE! From his official Slasher profile:

The zealous Lemurian sorcerer Y’Shakaa devised a grand scheme to recover the mystical Arcanuum Ex Mysteriius Spell Book from the Evil Wardens. While his ensorcelled servants battled the AMPUTHEATRE Slashers, he and his Neo-Lemurian death squad would storm the Wardens’ library. Of pressing concern was the unpredictable monster Crucifiend- his invasion of the arena could spell doom for Y’Shakaa’s plans. As a contingency, the sorcerer studied his fragments of the Arcanuum, and found a spell with which to procure demons from the tenebrous confines of the Nightmare Realm. In a summoning ritual, Y’Shakaa brought forth what his followers would later nickname “D’Seff”: Dicephalotherium daemonicus- a two-headed, toadlike monster of impressive strength and ferocious temperament. Before Y’Shakaa bound D’Seff to his service, it proved its worth by rending several Neo-Lemurian acolytes in a flurry of fist swings and jaw snaps. While clearly against serving Y’Shakaa willingly, D’Seff will easily tear the Slashers to shreds in their twin jaws.

Aha. See? He can fight Crucifiend! That's worth your money, right? Say yes.

...It's well into October, so I'm doing what I've always wanted to do whenever this month rolls around- watch as many horror flicks as Gil-Monsterly possible. Please realize that some of me is playing catch-up as I write these capsule reviews...

Laid To Rest. The first ten minutes of Laid To Rest had Dee Fenestrate and I swearing at the heroine so coarsely that the picture tube on our set began to corrode from the flecks of bile and stomach acid. Then at minute eleven, we fell in love. Chromeskull is an awesome villain with a sweet gimmick, the people he hunts are intelligent and don't do nonsensical fatal things, and the kills are exceptionally gory. Pretty scary, too. Easily one of the best slasher flicks since the original Halloween.

Splinter. Man, why didn't this get a wider theatrical release? Oh, right, of course- it's neither a sequel nor a remake. Makes perfect sense. The creepy-ass life form stalking the vacationing couple and their kidnappers...? Yeah, it's obscured just right with what can ONLY be called "proper use" of ShakyCam at half-shutter speed. Graphic yet never gratuitous gore and a lean running time of 80 minutes rounds out this winner. Just please, Splinter- no sequel. Come on; I saw you hinting...

Teeth. I dunno; this movie didn't do it for me. Okay, so the abstinent teen has incisors in her ahem; well um like, you see YEAH but wouldn't the movie have worked better if her vagina dentata WAS the reason she was abstinent...? Is this supposed to be a feminist horror film? Why linger on the repugnant date-rape sequence? Why the pervy gynecologist? The plot has more holes than a thrift-store condom.

Donkey Punch. Meanwhile, from the other gender...! But it's really not that sexist, is it? When you think about it, men can be donkey punched just as easily as women can. And if you still don't know what it is after that; well, go check out Wikipedia. Look up "List of punches", I learned of the term when researching AMPUTHEATRE basic attacks. Oh, the film? Nude Brits, deaths by flare gun and outboard motor; fairly compelling until its third act. Great title though; it has Dee recoil in disgust when she hears it.

Kinky Killers. Consumer alert- there isn't any "kink".