Friday, November 15, 2013

Monday, November 11, 2013

New work going on...

So I got a hold of these styrofoam packing blocks from... something. Like four of 'em. I figured I could use them to prop up my miniatures and figures at the craft shows. I'm not able to package my guys, so if i can put them in somewhat natural surroundings, it will definitely sex them up. Here's what I came up with:

For the fantasy miniatures, I made this ersatz Castle Grayskull. The textures and turrets are from a cardboard wine crate box, while the skull is a Halloween prop I had lying around. Some fleck stone and plastic grass from Dan's Crafts & Things top it off.

Little more fancy here: my survival horror diorama. I spray-painted the block black, and then attached popsicle sticks and mesh, with two long unsold minis behind it. I like the dumpster and the power box.

Lots going on this weekend. First is AMPUTHEATRE at Millennium Games, Nov. 15th, Friday night at 7pm. Then, I'll be at the Museum of Play once more, Nov. 16-17th as part of their Science Fiction exhibit. If you can't make that, I've been asked to return to the South Wedge Holiday Festival, December 7th, next to Lux Bar & Lounge, 10am-6pm.

New monsters in the store include this Nuclear Mutant. Now go buy stuff.

Monday, October 21, 2013

And the beat rolls on...

O Embleer Frith do I not update this thing. Well as it looks like you can now embed Facebook posts on your blogs, and I post on THAT super-duper regularly, I'll slam them up here now. More dumb movie reviews, more pipe cleaner tomfoolery, and more weirdo rants. Just no more Cracked photo contest entries because if their means of embedding photos on their forums were a pizza, it'd be foreskin and guano with extra vomit- thick crust.

So what's up? My work is currently at the Strong Museum of Play through January, which is AWESOME. There's a dragon up there with a five-foot wingspan you need to see, as well as a huge Gnash figure who almost didn't get in because he was "too scary".

I'll also be at the Mayday Underground Art Fair at the Armory November 2nd and 3rd, selling beasts for fun and profit. See you there?

Friday, October 18, 2013

read a post from Chris about "Ender's Game" and how he refuses to watch it, because author Orson Scott Card doesn't want anyone to know that he is gayer than a "My Little Pony" marathon hosted by RuPaul. While waiting for the glue gun to heat up so I can build crap, I thought I'd talk about some of MY entertainment boycotts to loan some perspective.

This isn't something I like doing, let alone champion. Separating the artist from their output is to be admired. But y'know, every time "Rosemary's Baby" shuffles up in my Netflix queue, I think, "Man, am I glad I saw that before I discovered that Roman Polanski is currently wanted across the Atlantic for rutting a tween." Because it is, after all, "the greatest horror film ever made"- a film so good it should be Exhibit A in a pedophilia trial. (I want to be the judge: "I SAW it. It's slower than geese in a crosswalk. Fifty years; no parole.") And rocking out on the music I do, there's always the urge to give a listen to the ever-influential black metal crafted by Burzum. You know Burzum, right? It's a one-man-project: Varg Vikernes performs all the vocals, guitars, keyboards, percussion, automatic weapons possession, church-burning, racist propaganda, and jail time. Oh: AND he murdered Euronymous of Mayhem- just in case your testes twisted over "automatic weapons possession" being included above. ("But Gil; Varg didn't USE a gun- he STABBED Euronymous and HE said it was self-defen-" IT'S NORWAY; LET IT GO)

...AND GIL'S PIPE CLEANERS COME FROM CHINA. Yes, let's put an end to the flawed notion that a boycott is a glorified attempt to be free from all wrong-doing; no one's necessarily surrendering the country back to the Cherokee, are they? But it find it's okay to draw a line in the sand and say "No more." That's just a personal view and it doesn't have to, to...

...You know what? Fuck that wall of text. I mean, thanks for reading it and coming along THIS far, but this is writing is all stream of consciousness. Here's all I really have to say: Did you eat any Chick-Fil-A last year once you found out they were run by homophobic sludge...? Me neither. SO DON'T WATCH "ENDER'S GAME". Consistency, people!

One last thing: I long for the days when an asshole can be called an asshole without betraying any sort of ideology. Since my transformation from Incendiary Partisan Cartoonist to Evil Toy Maker, I realize my opinions CAN reflect on my output and I actively try to make my rants less "Nugent" in their delivery. AND IF THERE IS A GOD, THAT WILL BECOME A PROPER ADJECTIVE...

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

AMPUTHEATRE is in CITY Newspaper!!!

Read it- READ IT; damn you!!!

Then watch THIS video of it being played- ALSO courtesy of City!!

Thanks to both Rebecca Rafferty and Matt DeTurck for this excellent article.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Saturday, February 23, 2013

New monsters: 2013/2-23

A new poster design. GiMP isn't bad, but I'm finding InDesign much better for composition... whatever. Go buy ALL OF THE MONSTERS EVER right here.

Friday, February 22, 2013

The Gil-Monster says check it out

Things to make note of 'afore I bind myself to the Desks Of Monster Making and Game Writing...

On the Facebook wall of the incomparable Joe Bob Briggs is a photo of his Lego self squaring off against a Yeti. That sure is a cute Lego figure; I don't know where the Yeti came from myself OH WAIT IT WAS ME

Next up, my friends Chris Pallace and Kevin Serwacki have submitted a design towards Dunn Tire in Rochester for a kick-ass giant golf ball in the shape of... nahhhh; you'll have to go see what it is and vote for it right damn now. I don't know if anyone TRULY needs a panoramic globe skyline against an ACTUAL skyline. (You NEED pipe cleaner Yetis, though. Who would Lego Joe Bob drink with?)

And on a more serious note, my wife Dee Fenestrate has started up a petition to the White House to restore the rights of gay men to donate blood. It's great to know that even though we can build a living sheep out of another living sheep, we apparently still think AIDS is only caused by Teh GAY. What has Magic Johnson been DOING with his time? So go sign that now, and link to it- we need a LOT more signatures, and the Red Cross ALWAYS needs blood.

(They call us on occasion, and we have to tell them no every time; we just got tattoos. But there's this lovely gay couple down the street that thinks tattoos are icky...)

-The Gil-Monster

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

"Choose Your Apocalypse"

Sorry, folks. Size 12 Font from now on, you stupid Gil-Monster...

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Customs round-up

New monsters in the store. Go looky. Gonna try to make a habit of uploading Etsy monsters on Saturday mornings since I don't feel like building but I gotta do something...

Time for a recap of the custom figures I've built lately. Like Borderlands 2...? Check out AMPUTHEATRE custom skins of both Dessica and Varga dressed like Tiny Tina, Mad Moxxi and Scooter!
Pretty sweet, no? Tiny Tina is smaller than the other Slashers and laden with more backpacks than a Bonnaroo concert crowd, so she was NOT the easy build.

Originally a graphical glitch that the game designers left in, Tiny Tina has a lazy eye. I discolored the left eye to reflect this.

I wish Scooter was thinner (that's a side effect of the felt). And that I made Moxxi's tails longer. But I think I got the faces but good.

If you're ever feeling shitty and that life holds no more meaning, type "Borderlands 2 Mad Moxxi" in your Google image search bar. No need to thank me over the hour before your monitor while your life exponentially improves.

Meanwhile on the non-able-to-have-your-head-and-arms-pulled-off-for-AMPUTHEATRE front... 

...we've got a custom Glenn Danzig figure I built as a commission for a customer who wanted a birthday gift for her Danzig-loving boyfriend. Glenn stands 5" (12.7 cm) high with doll hair, clothing of denim and window screen, and a cross and belt buckle cut from plastic. I gave him a wooden microphone and beastly gloves like in the "Kiss The Skull" video.
This is a custom figure of my friend Ron, better known as Roc City Roller Derby referee Dick Move. This is the ARBITER WARRIOR figure commissioned by his mom, who is Derby Mom. The chain in the mace retracts into the head, and a poisoned sword is hidden in the shaft! Coolest weapon of ALL.

I saved the most heart-warming job for last. Prior to Christmas, a client asked me to build a monster of one of his son's drawings for him (that's in the inset). This is something I was made for.

And I've added bloodshot eyes to my repertoire! Thanks to the Kelner family! And keep those requests coming, kiddos!

-The Gil-Monster

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

"Car Accident"

Hey, did you know I used to do this...? I FORGOT I used to do this. Looking to get back into it after waaaay too long a time, so please forgive the artwork sucking whilst I find my sealegs.

The official "Perky & Slick" font is now typeable thanks to Font Generator. Ten bucks and a scanner puts your handwriting (or the delightfully evil "Dremel" font that I scratch into AMPUTHEATRE crap) onto your keyboard. Check it out.

I get to proofread my cartoons. Fuck yeah. Well YES I did so twenty years ago. But with whiteout. And careful meticulous Sharpie-ing. And screaming WHY DIDN'T I WRITE THIS LINE IN THE FIRST PLACE...

So don't hold me to any schedule, that's all I ask. I will likewise make more of these and- as a bonus- not put any prose underneath them that explains my thought processes about them because




-The Gil-Monster

Friday, February 8, 2013

Bad Film Friday, Volume 1

The Crowley Museum of Natural History Dinosaur Hall AMPUTHEATRE board is all set for RunningGAGG tomorrow. I'll see you there.

So The Gil-Monster saw "Hellweek", another in a series of shot-on-video horror flicks where fraternity brothers and their girlfriends pile into an abandoned warehouse so psychopaths can de-spleen them. Hey: did I ever tell you how I begun my college life in a fraternity...? The mass of students enrolling was so massive that I lived in one for my first freshman quarter. I even pledged for a while, because on occasion the human brain relegates delicate thought processes to the stomach and intestines. Which leads to an unamusing mental chorus of hungry/poo now/very hungry/seriously, poop/WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS CONFORMIST HELL/ YOU SHITFUCK/THIS IS NOT YOU/ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO WEAR A SUIT ALL WEEK/WHO GOES TO DRAWING CLASS IN A SUIT/IS THIS FAGGY R. LEE ERMEY FANTASY REALLY WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE/IF YOU CALL A DRUNK LOSER MAKING OUT WITH CO-EDS THIRTY YEARS HIS JUNIOR YOUR "BROTHER" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME/WE WILL EXPLODE OUTWARD/YOU WILL BE DEAD/YOU WILL BE DEAD IN A FRAT HOUSE/POO NOW.

is one of those horror films where every character in it is a despicable cunt, but the film budget isn't nearly high enough to kill them in any satisfying means (a green-screen bisection early on promises but does not deliver). The college kids know they must die, I'll give them that. Seriously, one of them just stands there and awaits his neckslitting as a psycho killer hauls himself off the couch at his clan leader's command. Darth Maul, consider yourself pwned.

I admit to being drawn in by the sub-par profanity. I love that "Hey! We're making an unrated horror film!! WE CAN SWEAR!!!" motif. It leads to unintentional laughter 90% of the time. The other 10%? That's spent mentally rifling through weak excuses for your viewing decisions when she hears one frat shite describe women as "cum-dumpsters". It's dripping with irony, sweetheart...

0/5 lights needed to shoot a porno movie in an abandoned warehouse. You need LIGHT, "Porn King". WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS!?

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Octopunch! Octopunch!! OCTOPUNCH!!!

Working on a new AMPUTHEATRE travel set. This is for the still-under-construction-but-not-for-much-longer Crowley Museum board...
This deck will be for two boards; the Crowley Museum has an Egyptian Hall and a Dinosaur Hall. So we get a nifty blend of Egyptian weapons, prehistoric relics and archaeological tools...

The dinosaur skulls were bought at a craft store in one of those Nature Toobs for like eight bucks; they were eight or nine more skulls in the set. The Parasaurolophus Skull can be wielded like a sledgehammer. The Neanderthal Club at the lower right is a plastic (I think) X-Men accessory, with coyote teeth drilled into place as a homage to Slash of Eternal Champions fame. (The other bones are part of something else; I'll show that off later.)

I love how the Khopesh (sicklesword) came out. The Crook and the Flail can be dual-wielded (provided you find them) and turn your Slasher into a combat machine. And the Jack Hammer is instant death for any prone Slasher near it; it gains a Range advantage against Fallen because of an issue that really pissed off my wife during a playtest ten or so years ago. Should have this deck done by RunningGAGG...


So in her quest to clean out the attic, my mom sent up a smattering of our old toys, including some Generation 1 Transformers. I'm deciding what to do with them apart from Octopunch. Octopunch stays because he is named OCTOPUNCH; "Octopunch Merritt" has an excellent ring to it and they'll be all like That's a strange name for a girl but it's MY KID DAMMIT...

I forgot I had this guy. No, he IS a Transformer. This figure is actually a shell that cracks open to reveal a robot who turns into a crab, who- as a Robot In Disguise- felt rather conspicuous scuttling around Earth as a crab (and I don't need to remind you how cluttered your daily commute is with eighty-foot-high sea monsters).
"Ha HA! I blend SEAMLESSLY!"
In his left hand, Octopunch is holding a Targetmaster- another robot. So yeah, his henchman turns into his gun. Kind of a cool concept until a sarcastic cynic in his early '40s says y'KNOW, it looks like this Targetmaster's large intestine has extended beyond his rectum and calcified into a gun barrel; I mean LOOK AT IT:

A new fighting force joins the Cybertronian Wars... the Hemorrhoids.


I'm sure there's a rich and detailed history regarding the Transformers if its fans want to correct and enlighten me with a dearth of OH ASSBASKETS; WE CAN'T LEAVE COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG; SON OF A BITCH...

Back to work on this Museum Deck. If my wife can stop making me post about robotic ballistic excrement (it was all her idea...)

-The Gil-Monster

Monday, January 28, 2013

"Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot."

Okies. Signed up for SIMCON as well. By what the side bar tells me, that's three weekends of AMPUTHEATRE happiness. You know what to do...

So The Gil-Monster saw "Robo Vampire". In a bizarre film experiment, prolific Hong Kong director Godfrey Ho made his kung fu "Robocop" rip-off movie play a game of Chicken with his, um... drug-dealers and vampires movie. When neither film budges... BLAMMO! ONE SINGULAR SENSATION! Now cyborg DEA agent Tom must stop a crime lord from smuggling cocaine in the bodies of vampires as revolutionaries in a variety of bitching hats work to rescue undercover operatives from the Chinese Water Torture before a witch queen marries the vampire beast which is a hopping gorilla that shoots bottle rockets out of its sleeves and is named after that really irritating guy in The Hunger Games who uses cake icing for subterfuge. You get all that? Of course you didn't- you're still stuck on "smuggling cocaine in the bodies of vampires".

These things are the definition of the TV Trope Our Vampires Are Different. I looked these things up, because I might put one in AMPUTHEATRE if I can make it different enough from Hsien-Ko. This movie is very faithful to the concept of jiangshi in that their bodies are so rigor mortised that they can only hop. And forward flip. And backward flip. And forward roll. And cartwheel. And drop kick. And attempt to gang bang a cybernetic police officer on the beach in an echo of From Here To Eternity. Here lies rapture as Chinese vampires hop around Not Robocop during the greatest two minutes and thirteen seconds of your life...

If I still used it, 1:31-3 would be my forever LiveJournal avatar.

4/5 wool knit caps.

-The Gil-Monster

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

And Jessica Lange is like ten-year-old scotch

Yo yo yo. Signing up for ALL THE CONZ EVAR. Keep your eye on that there bar, that I killed on this tree.

Sounds like there's a Walking Dead Super Bowl ad coming up. I'm excited about that- it means we might actually see something entitled "Walking Dead" that proves viewable; hur hur hur. Not a fan. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

People getting eaten by zombies after doing something stupid is horror. People getting eaten by zombies after doing something stupid THAT THEY JUST BERATED SOMEONE ELSE FOR DOING is an episode of The Three Stooges. I laughed my ass off in TWD: S01E04 when the walkers stormed the camp in the dead of night during their unguarded fish fry and ate everyone there. Ha ha; serves you schmucks right; now's as good a time as any to stop watching this limply acted, car-stoppingly illogical, written like ass mess.

Our society has grown so critical that horror nowadays has to pick our brains and answer our most obvious questions before our eyes. Yes, it's stupid to wander the hideout of the killer in Wolf Creek by yourself- but your one friend is injured, there's no cell phone service this deep in the outback, and I'm betting it's not in you to abandon your other friend to unthinkable, psychotic whims.

That is why American Horror Story is currently what's bedazzling my eyeballs and making pillow talk to my brain. Give me its thick broth of melancholic unease, growing inescapable dread, and its endless cast of terrifying maniacs any day over The Walking Dead.

DON'T tell me the show's faults stem from being based on a comic book written in the '90s; Dexter has undergone numerous deviations from its books, and it's as enjoyable a show as ever. Maybe TWD has gotten better. I wouldn't know. I don't subscribe to the Whedon Defense (the show will become phenomenal if we give it x number of tries).

-The Gil-Monster

Monday, January 21, 2013

The answer is YES, IT'S AWESOME

Oh. Sure, brand new Windows OS. Import ALL ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY-THREE PHOTOS onto my computer. No need for me to pick and choo- oh. THERE'S the manual upload. Sigh... patience, gentle Gil-Monster, this will all one day make sense...

Four new monsters hath arrived in the Chenille Macabre store. The Games Workshop-sy Beast Lord and the Galactic Invader join the Onryou in gracing the Minis front, while Chelsea Grynn makes her debut in the AMPUTHEATRE aisle...

Apologies for this crummy photo; I'm using GiMP at the mo' and I'm still struggling with transparenci- hmmm? Oh. You're right. Chelsea Grynn's not up on the AMPUTHEATRE website. Whoopsy-pie. Well, she starts the game with a fencing foil and she was the only new Slasher I introduced in 2011. Here's her deal:

 “ ‘Hey! Chelsea Grynn! Swallow THIS!’ the men would always yell during my act, grabbing their crotches. Of course, I wasn’t above taking one or two men back to my trailer after the show... to run them through and take their wallets. You really expect a girl to live off sword swallowing alone? On what the Cirque du Sang used to pay? But when the riot happened and the dancing bear went berserk, I was peforming at the time- with a double-edged saber down my throat. Distracted as I was by the chaos, the sword slipped downwards five inches- slicing my cheeks open. As I lay in the hospital slowly dying from a pierced stomach lining, my murders were exposed and I was convicted. But when the CFA Wardens learned that I was a classically trained fencer- and thus, I assumed, good television- they ordered that I be imbued with the Amputech immediately. It arrested the tearing of my stomach- saving my life. My AMPUTHEATRE sentence does not concern me. I am forever grateful to the Wardens. My sword will spill all the blood they demand. En garde!

Evil Deeds:
Riposte: Chelsea can turn Dodge Movement into Counter-Carnage.
Acid Coat: Weapons deal Burn Carnage when she "swallows" them.
Appel: A fencing technique that Staggers an opponent and grants an Onslaught.
Initial Carve: Chelsea scratches "CG" in her foe, Bleeding and humiliating them.
Shish Kebab: Chelsea gores several foes on her foil at one time.
Glasgow Smile: A slice through the cheeks that impairs Healing via Spells.

Originally she was to be an archer named Camilla with archery-enhancing mutations: an amputated right breast a la the Amazons, a bony left forearm for drawstring protection, and a literal eagle's eye. I went for the whole swordswoman angle when the possibility of a loose composite bow in the game seemed like far too much effort to write up...

What I like the most about Chelsea is her outfit. It's a practical fighting ensemble that YES yes, her midriff is exposed, but hey- she's a sword swallower. Once a performer, always a performer...

Three of my favorite things in the universe are wanton fictional therapeutic carnage, Operation: mindcrime by Queensryche, and of course, Jinglebunny. Stir them all together in a neon 8-bit broth of adrenalized '80s nostalgia and you get Hotline Miami. It deserves every accolade on its homepage. Kick down the doors of Mafia strongholds, quickly and brutally kill everyone inside under the guise of a rubber animal mask, and get to the car. Ten bucks- TEN. BUCKS- on Steam gets you unlimited lives and millions of ways to eliminate thugs. New Murder Method #32: slamming a door in a mook's face, mounting his prone form, smashing a bottle on the floor, and slitting his throat.

Ha ha ha; now you want to play it...

If the NRA actually did any research on violent video games before head pimple Wayne LaPierre sputtered up his odious "Video Games Are Deadlier Than Numerous Hollow Points Tearing Through Your Heart and Lungs" speech, this game'd be at the top of their list. And then they'd discover that their argument was total shit. No such luck...

-The Gil-Monster

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


AMPUTHEATRE will be at RunningGAGG 2013: A Con You Can't Refuse this coming February 9th and 10th, at SUNY Geneseo. Come play it already, won't you...?

Apologies for the total lack of updates. As a New Years' Resolution, I'm concentrating on blogging instead. Why? Here's an FB post of mine you missed on December 14th because you likely aren't friends with me...

Gil Merritt sits before his Facebook Look Back At 2012. "What the SHIT, Zuckerburg."
"Ah! The Gil-Monster! My loyal frien-emy! Behold your own personal Year In Review! Ah yes, GAZE back in time... you placed in the Vertex Halloween contest for a FIFTH time... you saw the dinosaur skeletons in New Mexico... a cat sat on your ass..."
"Oh yes! What a GLORIOUS time in your life, when you LINKED TO THAT CARTOON of the puppy and bunny playing with action figures!"
"Well, it's CUTE, but... but it was just a LINK. Wait- is this whole Year In Review bullshit driven by 'Likes'?"
"I bet you remember EXACTLY where you were at that moment when you saw that!"

"YEAH, but- At my COMPUTER, dillhole! Look, there was A LOT MORE to my year than just that! I was on TELEVISION with my artwork! And I raised $500 for Golisano Childrens Hospital by playing video games all day! And I saw Korpiklaani in concert! And..."
"I am The WATCHER. I am sworn not to interfere. Like you, I must simply wait and observe the events as they occur."
"I didn't even DRAW the cartoon! You try to write something funny; you're not FEELING it atm; you POST something that's FUNNY! THIS IS *NOT* MY LIFE!!!"
Not that anyone else on FB saw this, because while I was typing this, chuckling to myself and thinking that it'll make a couple of people smile, the FB News Feed featured updates of upset friends reacting to the Sandy Hook School Shootings as they occurred in Newtown. Whee- fun fun. Tried to get my mind off the whole horror.

Then I lost a sale that day, as someone reconsidered buying my miniatures because of the tragedy. That was MY kick in the jimmies. You're THE CULTURE, Gil, an ominous voice boomed, and YOU'VE gotta clean up your act so THOSE people across the line in the sand can keep their guns.  

The ass-tumor that somehow found a job as head of the NRA didn't help matters either. Watching him gurgle out-and-out bullshit about violent video games such as a never-before-heard-of Flash game called "Kindergarten Killers" was a delightful heel grind in my scrotum. The level of obscurity told me it could just as easily have been AMPUTHEATRE he mentioned. I mean, I could have used the press, but not the fury that comes from being grossly, incorrectly blamed on television for the deaths of innocent children. (I've got high cholesterol, so says my doctor.)

So for now anyway, fuck Facebook and its endless squabbling wall of slacktivist memes and disgorged viewpoints that will not receive the time of day from me. I've already burned enough valuable crafting time writing anything MORE than "
AMPUTHEATRE will be at RunningGAGG 2013: A Con You Can't Refuse this coming February 9th and 10th, at SUNY Geneseo. Come play it already, won't you...?"