Monday, March 22, 2010

All dinosaurs, all the time

ews alert: apparently you can now have your flat-screen television custom framed. Here's how it works: measure both the outside specs of your TV (provided it's only got four sides) and the distance from its front to the wall. Once you're sure about those measurements, give them to us, and we'll make the frame. When you pick it up, it'll come with straps that you anchor to the back of your set- and at long last Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O will have that water-gilded Biltmore accent their coprophagic antics so richly deserve.

...Look it up. No, don't.

So I was asked to make a display for the new promotion. Something that would catch customers' eyes. Looking around our store, I decided a dinosaur was unlike anything else we had in the store. It's also something that can only be seen in a medium- not many of the fat fuckers left nowadays. And besides, I love dinosaurs.

So here's a Tyrannosaurus Rex I penciled and scanned, inked and colored in Photoshop, and slapped in front of a photo from these guys. The TV set was created in Adobe InDesign. And before you write in to tell me that flat-screen TVs don't have side speakers, it's important that it look like a TV, and also that a boring gray border need hold its own visually with a multicolored fanged reptile. Time of artwork: 13 hours. It's refreshing to know that I can still honestly draw when I have to.

I printed the piece in two parts. The T. Rex and screen text were printed on paper, while the TV monitor was printed onto sintra. When assembling the frame, the glass went between the monitor and the T. Rex, so it resembled an actual TV. Neat, huh? My boss loved it.

New monsters in the store today. I'm especially proud of the Lizardman and the Skeletal Warrior there. The former represents bold, new steps in Lizardman technology, since they used to be just one color before.

I haven't given up on AMPUTHEATRE. (Indeed, SIMCON is this weekend, and I'll be there running my crazy-as-usual battle royal.) But there haven't been new AMPUTHEATRE figures in the store for a bit, and I still need to make that rulebook available. I will have stuff ready. Really. I think I'll be breaking down and printing up my own copy, and guesstimate how much that will run so it can be downloadable in PDF format.

And also: I am behind on custom work, for which I apologize. There are at least two more shows I want to get into this year, so I'll be stocking up for those as much as I can. Hang tight: you will get your monsters.

...Have you seen Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen? Don't. No: I won't just say that. Some of you don't have me friended on Facebook, so I'll just paraphrase myself. It's stupider than a headless cockroach. It's more offensive than marionettes built from the stillborn. It's more awful than your rectum as a thumbtack dispenser. It's indispensable proof that Michael Bay hates you and everyone else on the planet, and if he were naked in a crowded room and didn't have millions and millions of dollars on hand to spend digitally rendering obnoxious racial stereotypes with which to painfully and permanently retard your inquisitive knowledgeable brains, he'd chew off his own leg, strip off its skin, gnaw the femur into a sharp point, and limp about stabbing everyone in the room. THAT'S HOW MUCH HE HATES YOU.

And amidst his blood-soaked hopping murder spree, he'd film his naked scrotum flapping about. And he'd make Peter Cullen deliver a monologue over it so that he could call it Transformers 3.

See you at SIMCON!

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