Thursday, June 19, 2008

Just call it "Car Wars: The Movie"

My friend Tom Gleason of Spinning Grave Productions and Dark Destinations sent me the trailer to a remake that I was imagining myself remaking, specifically the awesome Death Race 2000.

So anyway: First gear. Where the hell is Frankenstein? Or "Machine Gun" Joe Viterbo, or Calamity Jane, or any of the other crazy-ass drivers from the original movie...? Who are these grizzled, whining losers? Prison, shmison: did any of them need to be repeatedly reconstructed like David Carradine's awesome character? Let me answer that like Frankenstein would: with a blunt, short "NO."

Second gear. Where the hell is the nudity? These fly girls can walk in all the slow-motion they wish- are they gonna take their clothes off...? I only say this because I'm a randy pervy goat boy- and that there was flesh aplenty in the original film!

Third gear. Where the hell is the satire? That ripping off of The Running Man means nothing: where're the nods to Mr. President? To the resistance? Where're the score values for running over pedestrians...?

Third gear into fifth. WHERE ARE THE PEDESTRIANS!?!?

WHERE'S THE INNOCENT PEOPLE all over the streets, staining the grills of the cars with their copious blood...? The Death Race is about thinning the population through vehicular manslaughter- or at least it was!! C'MON!!! Jigsaw and the Elite Hunting brigade are currently running around snipping Achilles' tendons left and right- wouldn't now be an ideal cinematic climate to release something as violent and edgy as a real Death Race 200o remake, instead of this...?

I might be proven wrong, but guns on the cars don't fill me with hope...

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