So I saw Deadly Prey. I gotta say: outside of slasher movies- where you got a mask, a few garden tools, ten friends, a camcorder, and had at- the "Rambo"-inspired military actioner could prove a close second when it came to DIY-home video movie making. You chat up your one friend at the gym with the rack and the looks, and sweet-talk him with the notion that his character is "haunted" so he doesn't have to say much or inflect anything, then you chat up your friends at the army surplus store to provide the uniforms and props, take all your bar buddies to the woods, and begin filming. Wahoo. Okay, there are a few helicopters and tanks in this. Anyway...
The dishonorably discharged and diabolically deviant Colonel Hogan is feeling the screws tighten on his private mercenary enterprise from evil suit Troy Donahue, of all people. The many setbacks facing Hogan are 1) his arsenal's grenades and tank shells boast concussive force barely equivalent to that of a dung ball rolled by its beetle into the side of Fort Knox, 2) his mercs are astronomically and explosively incompetent- inasmuch as a chunky, well-into-70 Cameron Mitchell can effortlessly sneak onto their compound and stealth-murder several of them whilst wearing a bright yellow shirt (this is based on truth), 3) Hogan's self-defeating habit of thinning his own troops' numbers whenever they open the newer carton of milk before finishing the old, and of course 4) Hogan's method of training said mercs- in which they kidnap random doughy guys from the suburbs, loose them unarmed in the California forests, and hunt them down- and Prologue Random Doughy Guy actually does take one of them down!! With a ROCK!!!
The final stream of urine in Hogan's cereal sprays when his men unknowingly abduct Danton, a blonde mullet in filthy white cut-offs whom Hogan personally trained. So awesome a soldier that he eschews such trivialities as rifle sights, defensive cover, calling 911, and looting the rifles from his kills, Danton stays in the woods to bamboozle and kill Hogan's men over the course of 90 minutes with all manner of impaling twigs and Styrofoam boulders. In a tasteful touch, women are shot point-blank in the face. A rape scene also briefly unfuns the proceedings, but the scenes where Hogan's squads obviously march ten feet beneath the dead tree Danton "hides" in are fucking comedy gold.
5/5 earthworms eaten by beefy mullety guys on screen for SURVIVAL. But don't take my word for it. Here's the thrilling denouement OH COME ON HE'S BEING SHOT POINT-BLANK IN THE FACE AND HE'S RUNNING FULL-TILT AT HIM
This coming Saturday is the Rochester Mini Maker Faire. I'll totally be there and I'm making a sweet dragon for the charity auction. So come on down!