Wednesday, January 23, 2013

And Jessica Lange is like ten-year-old scotch

Yo yo yo. Signing up for ALL THE CONZ EVAR. Keep your eye on that there bar, that I killed on this tree.

Sounds like there's a Walking Dead Super Bowl ad coming up. I'm excited about that- it means we might actually see something entitled "Walking Dead" that proves viewable; hur hur hur. Not a fan. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

People getting eaten by zombies after doing something stupid is horror. People getting eaten by zombies after doing something stupid THAT THEY JUST BERATED SOMEONE ELSE FOR DOING is an episode of The Three Stooges. I laughed my ass off in TWD: S01E04 when the walkers stormed the camp in the dead of night during their unguarded fish fry and ate everyone there. Ha ha; serves you schmucks right; now's as good a time as any to stop watching this limply acted, car-stoppingly illogical, written like ass mess.

Our society has grown so critical that horror nowadays has to pick our brains and answer our most obvious questions before our eyes. Yes, it's stupid to wander the hideout of the killer in Wolf Creek by yourself- but your one friend is injured, there's no cell phone service this deep in the outback, and I'm betting it's not in you to abandon your other friend to unthinkable, psychotic whims.

That is why American Horror Story is currently what's bedazzling my eyeballs and making pillow talk to my brain. Give me its thick broth of melancholic unease, growing inescapable dread, and its endless cast of terrifying maniacs any day over The Walking Dead.

DON'T tell me the show's faults stem from being based on a comic book written in the '90s; Dexter has undergone numerous deviations from its books, and it's as enjoyable a show as ever. Maybe TWD has gotten better. I wouldn't know. I don't subscribe to the Whedon Defense (the show will become phenomenal if we give it x number of tries).

-The Gil-Monster