Oh. Sure, brand new Windows OS. Import ALL ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY-THREE PHOTOS onto my computer. No need for me to pick and choo- oh. THERE'S the manual upload. Sigh... patience, gentle Gil-Monster, this will all one day make sense...
Four new monsters hath arrived in the Chenille Macabre store. The Games Workshop-sy Beast Lord and the Galactic Invader join the Onryou in gracing the Minis front, while Chelsea Grynn makes her debut in the AMPUTHEATRE aisle...
Apologies for this crummy photo; I'm using GiMP at the mo' and I'm still struggling with transparenci- hmmm? Oh. You're right. Chelsea Grynn's not up on the AMPUTHEATRE website. Whoopsy-pie. Well, she starts the game with a fencing foil and she was the only new Slasher I introduced in 2011. Here's her deal:
‘Hey! Chelsea Grynn! Swallow THIS!’ the men would always yell during my
act, grabbing their crotches. Of course, I wasn’t above taking one or
two men back to my trailer after the show... to run them through and
take their wallets. You really expect a girl to live off sword
swallowing alone? On what the Cirque du Sang used to pay? But when the
riot happened and the dancing bear went
berserk, I was peforming at the time- with a double-edged saber down my
throat. Distracted as I was by the chaos, the sword slipped downwards
five inches- slicing my cheeks open. As I lay in the hospital slowly
dying from a pierced stomach lining, my murders were exposed and I was
convicted. But when the CFA Wardens learned that I was a classically
trained fencer- and thus, I assumed, good television- they ordered that I
be imbued with the Amputech immediately. It arrested the tearing of my
stomach- saving my life. My AMPUTHEATRE sentence does not concern me. I
am forever grateful to the Wardens. My sword will spill all the blood
they demand. En garde!”
Riposte: Chelsea can turn Dodge Movement into Counter-Carnage.
Acid Coat: Weapons deal Burn Carnage when she "swallows" them.
Appel: A fencing technique that Staggers an opponent and grants an Onslaught.
Initial Carve: Chelsea scratches "CG" in her foe, Bleeding and humiliating them.
Shish Kebab: Chelsea gores several foes on her foil at one time.
Glasgow Smile: A slice through the cheeks that impairs Healing via Spells.
Originally she was to be an archer named Camilla with archery-enhancing mutations: an amputated right breast a la the Amazons, a bony left forearm for drawstring protection, and a literal eagle's eye. I went for the whole swordswoman angle when the possibility of a loose composite bow in the game seemed like far too much effort to write up...
What I like the most about Chelsea is her outfit. It's a practical fighting ensemble that YES yes, her midriff is exposed, but hey- she's a sword swallower. Once a performer, always a performer...
Three of my favorite things in the universe are wanton fictional therapeutic carnage, Operation: mindcrime by Queensryche, and of course, Jinglebunny. Stir them all together in a neon 8-bit broth of adrenalized '80s nostalgia and you get Hotline Miami. It deserves every accolade on its homepage. Kick down the doors of Mafia strongholds, quickly and brutally kill
everyone inside under the guise of a rubber animal mask, and get to the
car. Ten bucks- TEN. BUCKS- on Steam gets you unlimited lives and
millions of ways to eliminate thugs. New Murder Method #32: slamming a door in a mook's face, mounting his prone form, smashing a bottle on the floor, and slitting his throat.
Ha ha ha; now you want to play it...
If the NRA actually did any research on violent video games before head pimple Wayne LaPierre sputtered up his odious "Video Games Are Deadlier Than Numerous Hollow Points Tearing Through Your Heart and Lungs" speech, this game'd be at the top of their list. And then they'd discover that their argument was total shit. No such luck...