Monday, August 13, 2012


Last Friday at Millennium was another awesome AMPUTHEATRE Slayground Eliminator tournament. To the uninitiated, the AMPUTHEATRE Slayground Eliminator is a Last Man Standing tournament between eight Slashers.

Each time a Slasher dies, the steel gate herds the rest towards a drop into the Charybdis Death Fans and a permanent Sunder. The gate itself is protected by the Scylla Death Squad: executioners with dinosaur skulls and flamethrowers that will Immolate anyone approaching. By the end, there are two Slashers left and no way to heal other than having a spell beforehand.

The combatants in the Slayground Eliminator, clockwise from top left: Xenichthys, Vulch... representing the Decepticons, Scorponok (a Zwanziger custom variant), Wretchedness, Ixnay, Conscriptor, Varga, and a Zombie Deathwish (un-Deathwish) in the corner.
Conscriptor's alien blood flows slow enough that he can somewhat deal with a perma-Sunder. He can't however handle the one-two assaults of Zwanziger and Vulch's vodou doll, which gives Conscriptor all damage meant for Vulch. Varga's henchwoman Brank strangles the Xenichthys, and after a massive battle in the lower left when limbs are bitten off again and again, Zombie Deathwish is the first to die to Wretchedness' stone fangs. 
Vulch intercepts Varga's charge with a pin to the vodou doll- bringing her to her knees. Missing arm, shmissing arm: Ixnay takes the fight to Zwanziger, and Conscriptor meets a messy fate in the Charybdis Death Fans as a victim of Wretchedness' dreaded Psychokinetic Heft- a telekinetic ranged Throw.
Varga survives two of Vulch's Spinning Hip Tosses into the Death Fans, but the pain of being suddenly limbless nullifies her Recuperate spell. The Fans also claim Zwanziger's tail, but not before he slays Ixnay.
With her last ounce of strength, an armless Varga kicks Wretchedness into the Scylla Firewall, enraging the flame troopers. Engulfed in flame, Wretchedness nevertheless dashes at the weakened Varga and burns her to death with his Immolated body.
Wretchedness is infamous for his stamina, his telekinesis, and his power to claim Spells instead of health from blood. He DOESN'T make the map for his agility- but the dice are saying differently. Piece by bloody piece, Vulch is eliminated by Zwanziger- making Wretchedness the Monkey In The Middle.
The unintelligent giant scorpion Zwanziger is no match for Wretchedness' telekinesis, and the Death Fans are stalled once more by a corpse. Xenichthys and Wretchedness square off, but Wretchedness employs his Face of Fear Evil Deed, neutralizing the fish's ability to shoot poisonous spines. Xenichthys is forced to fight the stone horror up close.

And after a few placed bites from the mask, Wretchedness is the winner of the Slayground Eliminator! And VERY decisively: he performed the most kills (FIVE!) and had very high health at the end.

I was playing Varga in that, and that was EASILY the most embarrassing death in my ten-eleven years of this game. I can deal with bleeding out, but to lose your last two pints to the guy you just kicked into fire...!?
Pardon the pun: BURN.