Friday, February 8, 2013

Bad Film Friday, Volume 1

The Crowley Museum of Natural History Dinosaur Hall AMPUTHEATRE board is all set for RunningGAGG tomorrow. I'll see you there.

So The Gil-Monster saw "Hellweek", another in a series of shot-on-video horror flicks where fraternity brothers and their girlfriends pile into an abandoned warehouse so psychopaths can de-spleen them. Hey: did I ever tell you how I begun my college life in a fraternity...? The mass of students enrolling was so massive that I lived in one for my first freshman quarter. I even pledged for a while, because on occasion the human brain relegates delicate thought processes to the stomach and intestines. Which leads to an unamusing mental chorus of hungry/poo now/very hungry/seriously, poop/WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS CONFORMIST HELL/ YOU SHITFUCK/THIS IS NOT YOU/ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO WEAR A SUIT ALL WEEK/WHO GOES TO DRAWING CLASS IN A SUIT/IS THIS FAGGY R. LEE ERMEY FANTASY REALLY WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE/IF YOU CALL A DRUNK LOSER MAKING OUT WITH CO-EDS THIRTY YEARS HIS JUNIOR YOUR "BROTHER" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME/WE WILL EXPLODE OUTWARD/YOU WILL BE DEAD/YOU WILL BE DEAD IN A FRAT HOUSE/POO NOW.

is one of those horror films where every character in it is a despicable cunt, but the film budget isn't nearly high enough to kill them in any satisfying means (a green-screen bisection early on promises but does not deliver). The college kids know they must die, I'll give them that. Seriously, one of them just stands there and awaits his neckslitting as a psycho killer hauls himself off the couch at his clan leader's command. Darth Maul, consider yourself pwned.

I admit to being drawn in by the sub-par profanity. I love that "Hey! We're making an unrated horror film!! WE CAN SWEAR!!!" motif. It leads to unintentional laughter 90% of the time. The other 10%? That's spent mentally rifling through weak excuses for your viewing decisions when she hears one frat shite describe women as "cum-dumpsters". It's dripping with irony, sweetheart...

0/5 lights needed to shoot a porno movie in an abandoned warehouse. You need LIGHT, "Porn King". WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS!?