Wednesday, October 8, 2014

ONE HORROR FILMS A DAY OR TWO: "Carrie" (2013) and "13/13/13"

Right, right, right... so I watched "Carrie", the 2013 remake with Chloë Grace Moretz in the title role, and Julianne Moore as her craaaaazy mom. You know the story: Carrie White gets mercilessly picked on by everyone, and just when she's having the dream date of her life and is made Prom Queen, she is drenched in pigs' blood. She then dons a purple wig, calls all the students "cunts" and fatally punishes them with batons and machine gu- no wait, I mean- she uses her telekinesis, which employs a lot of tai chi gestures- along with pyrokinesis and telepathy when the script demands. I don't know... I can't say this film was all that necessary. Moretz is waaaay miscast; the pressure with which she crushes her textbooks into her chest simply can't hide the fact that she isn't weird-looking enough. Any high school guy would spark up a conversation with her. I also felt like Julianne Moore was phoning in her performance- and I love her. Even sans makeup, I discovered. Of course, the final fates of Billy and Chris are much more satisfying, and there is fun to be had with Judy Greer as the kindly P.E. coach- especially when you hear Archer's Cheryl/Carol in her lines. 3/5 self-inflicted scratches in Margaret White's leg.

Then I saw "13/13/13" by The Asylum- yes, who ELSE would make a film called 13/13/13 besides The Asylum; it's them again and I think the only reason I watched this is because Chris Pallace is sick to death of them. This is the film that answers the following questions: 1) How can one shoot an apocalypse film that looks to have cost less than Robot Monster? And 2) What would 28 Days Later look like if no one wore any infected prosthetics? It's apparently the 13th day of the 13th month during the 13th year of the Mayan calendar, and everybody everywhere goes crazy-pants-pants-carzy... UNLESS you were born on February 29th, which is immediately deduced by two clueless survivors in the following exchange:
"Why didn't this affect us?"
"Well, are you a leap year baby? I was born on a leap year!"
The rest of the movie is crazy people talking to other crazy people- yes, they still keep their voices. So if they talk to each other, you're watching a bad improv group re-enact preschool, and if they threaten the protagonists, it's like watching very, very bad professional wrestling promos. I fell asleep. But it stars someone named Nihilist Gelo ("jello?"); he seems like a wonderful wackball and I'd like to meet him someday. 0/5 "whip crack" noises made by one's bachelor friends.

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