Monday, October 27, 2014

The Book of MK3 and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

New Perky & Slick is up; it's the Halloween episode and Karma tries to identify Perky's costume. So if you're pledging, you get to read it now. If you aren't pledging, well, there's only one thing for you to do if you can't hold out, isn't there...?

6 And so it was that Mortal Kombat 2 was released. And in every way it was better than the previous game with improved graphics, excellent gameplay, and even more gore. And FUCK: we got to play as a shapeshifter; my world hath been dropped on its head. And Baraka had blades, and we saw that it was good.
And Borderlands 2 was released, and in every way it was better than the previous game with improved mechanics, superb gameplay, and a welcome sense of humor. And the people danced, and they frolicked. And Terramorphous the Invincible died a sweet number of times and The Gil-Monster saw his Psycho rise to Level 72. And his wife played the Mechromancer and played a modern-first person shooter to completion and she saw that it was good.
7 And it came to pass that Mortal Kombat 3 was released. And, well... okay, and the people looked, and they spake saying well I get to play as a Goro-lady; that's novel. And they looked, and they that the character sprites were smaller and that there were no new moves for either Kung Lao or Liu Kang. And The Gil-Monster inputted the fatality codes he learned and LO, WHAT THE SHIT: these finishing moves are fucking SHAMEFUL. Inflating somebody's head so five legs explode off; do you just HATE us now, Midway?
And Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel! was released. And I looked, and I saw that it was MEH. And the people at Gearbox had the game made by Gearbox Australia, which is a continent that receives its video games later than even the penguins in the Antarctic, and finds them marked up excruciatingly at retail and censored all to fuck. So there certainly isn't any bitterness to be had over a beloved IP. 
8 And so it was that chief good guy Raiden appeared in one title card, and the arcades were now silent of the cry of "Get Over Here!" And in his place was a chunky mall cop who never used his UZI except to fire a victory burst and whom nobody played for fear of being caught dead with him on the screen. 
 And so it was that Tiny Tina chirped but once about Bunkers & Badasses on the ECHOnet, and the living room was now silent of the cry of "You're going to be my new meat bicycle!" And in their place is a detestable lawbringer who speweth toxic homicidal shit and haveth a runt skill tree, and lo: the people remembered Face McShooty from the second game and remembered how dark humor was properly done. 
9 And it came to pass that the Running mechanic was fucking balls, and the dial-a-combos didn't really add anything new.
 And the lunar jumping mechanic proved to be obnoxious, since getting to where you directly wanted to go meant passing up every way point that would auto-save your progress. And lo, the people would die, and restart all the way back at the Fast Travel station. And they looked, and they saw that this got on their tits.
10 And so it was that the kombatants could knock each other through the ceilings of the arenas with uppercuts to continue their battles in different arenas. And I looked, and I saw that the backgrounds were always rotated in the same fixed cycle- so if you didn't want to spend the rest of the tournament in the Soul Chamber, don't use one of your best attacks in a fight, shithead.
And so it was that tamarin monkeys designed the explorable areas where long boring dungeons become longer and boringer with endless multiple key-fetching quests- right after killing a Big Boss, no less- and the enemies aren't populated properly. Like a pizza when the chef just fucking glues a packet of pepperoni to one slice of the pie and cries FINITO.
11 And so it was that The Gil-Monster really didn't miss Sonya Blade, and really wasn't sure what Kung Lao was even doing there since they never wrote a story for his involvement in the game.
And so it was that The Gil-Monster really doesn't need to hear Handsome Jack's side of the story- what wasn't fucking grasped? We saw him shoot our leader in the back. We witnessed him detonate Bloodwing with an explosive collar. We heard him callously murder hundreds of innocent people over the ECHOnet. We gathered that Angel's unmastered powers caused Jack to imprison and torture his Siren daughter once she accidentally scarred him and killed her mother. We have enough understanding of his evil, don't we? It's not like the Crimson Raiders were being coy about their motives to bring him down. EVERYONE is a killer in a Western- you hook up with the side that's the least crazy; case clo- Oh. Wait. Millions more dollars out of BL fans. THAT'S what wasn't fucking grasped.
12 And so it was that arcades demanded 75 cents per play, 50 cents per continue, for a game that likely runs thirty seconds.  
And so it was that Gearbox demanded $59.99 to play, $29.99 for a season pass, for a game that runs half the length of that of Borderlands 2.
13 And it came to pass that The Gil-Monster would come to play MK3 with his head hung low since he really liked Kabal, but he knows he's settling for less and likely can think of several other things he should have been doing as he liked the game one moment and hated it the next.
And it will likely come to pass that The Gil-Monster will come to play BL:TPS with his head hung low since his friends are playing it, but he knows he's settling for less and likely will hear several other people listening for periods in his verbal gripes so they can quickly insert attempts to correct him of his own opinion. And I looked, and I saw that this is why I have a blog.

Mayday! Underground is this weekend at the Village Gate, both Saturday and Sunday. So you should totally go to that.

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